Hooray! Random pieces of old junk!

Shopkeepers offering a grab-bag of goodies to celebrate the new year dates back to the late Meiji period, which sounds like a super long time ago. Al Capone was right. Just remember: like the fukubukuro, the fukobukuro may be a “lucky bag”, but not all luck is good.

And even if your bag does contain something technically valuable, it’ll probably be a huge pain in the ass. WARNING: IT’S NOT THAT SIMPLE. If you want to play pretend record mogul, there are plenty of other places where you can go throw your money away. Whatever happens next is not our fault.

Or you’re trying to be a good hip citizen and ride your bike to the office, but your greasy chain pops off.

But today is one of the specialest occasions in Meh’s short, apathetic life. You’d just as soon microwave all your meals at 7-11 anyway. A Florida man is severely injured when he gets an alligator high on bath salts in the lavatory of a Ruby Tuesday. For an other another, most of the stuff won’t be all that good, putting it more in line with the burgeoning counter-tradition of the unlucky bag.

It’s not some awful Chris Farley movie. If you have to stab something, or someone, even once, your life has probably gone very, very wrong. Are you aware that the United States is a distant second, at best, in global #fukobukuro production? What will you do, free people? Will you fight… or will you run?

Then it’ll be the people of the future’s problem. Because otherwise we might die!

How will you know what happened? Tragically wasting your life is what your job is for. Spank it! Hear it cry! Settle in with an oil drum full of chili for that 62-hour Babylon 5 marathon.

The people have spoken! And so has the money. That’ll teach you suckers to trust us with your mailing address!