So Tired

Hi, it’s us, your tires. We know that, especially this time of year, we can be real annoying. But we’re not here to apologize. No, in fact, we’re more interested in trying to get you to apologize to us.

After all, let’s look at your complaints concerning our performance:

1. In the cold of winter, despite long hours of rest, we often wake up depleted, feeling empty and unready to do our jobs.

2. We sometimes suffer strange ailments, the treatment of which costs both time and money.

3. Some of us, through no fault of our own, go bald, causing great consternation.

In each case, your frustration is valid. We can concede that.

But answer us this: Do any of those three gripes remind you of someone else you know? Is there perhaps a person in your life–or, say, your mirror–who all this calls to mind?

Probably not, right? Because you didn’t plan on getting up this morning at 6 and then hit snooze until 8:48, giving you just enough time to brush your teeth and put on a clean shirt before your 9am Zoom huddle.

As for those ailments, you tweaked your back a few days ago, not shoveling snow, mind you, but pulling the cord on your snowblower. But we’re supposed to just knock against all the ice, drop down into all the potholes, and come out the other side fresh as a friggin’ daisy, correct?

And, speaking of those obstacles: has it ever occurred to you that the fault lies not with the tires or the road (which always turns into a post-apocalyptic hell-scape this time of year), but rather the person with eyes and a brain guiding said tires across said road?

Which is to say: you.

But we don’t want to be entirely contentious here. Because there are ways we, all five of us, can live in harmony. Or at least something approaching harmony.

First, you could get us one of these. Is it a full-blown air compressor? No. But it can give us a little pump-up on those mornings when we’re feeling diminished. And if one of us suffers from a slow leak and requires patching or, god forbid, replacement, you can at least get us plump enough for a drive to the tire hospital. By which we mean, the nearest Midas.

Second, you can set up a TV in the garage or the driveway. Because we want to watch Quentin Dupieux’s 2010 film, Rubber. It’s about…

Well, actually, maybe it’s better if we don’t tell you what it’s about.