Water for Watercraft

Hello.

If you are reading this note, that means you have opened the box in the garage containing my Pocket Hose 100FT Expandable Marine-Grade Garden Hose with Sprayer.

I am sure that you, whichever member of my family you are, will claim that this is your first trespass. You were just taking a peek, you will say. Just getting a glimpse of this magnificent hose. To which I reply: Do you take me for a fool? You think I don’t know that this has been removed countless times and put to a variety of uses of which it is more than capable but not, as far as I am concerned, intended?

Let me reiterate what I have stated hundreds of times before: this hose was an aspirational purchase.

Yes, it would be perfect for watering the window boxes and garden beds, but it was designed WITH BOATS IN MIND. And so I also purchased it with BOATS IN MIND. Or boat, singular. As in, the one that I will someday own.

Until that day, the hose is not to be used. When I’ve told you this, you all agreed, issuing little more than an eye roll in protest.

And yet, when I check on it myself from time to time, what do I find but moisture in the spray head and tiny bits of cut grass along the line. Signs, in other words, of non-maritime use.

But do not believe for a moment I am ignorant of my own culpability in this. I understand that my habit of driving to the marina and staring longingly for hours at the various bobbing boats docked there leaves plenty of time for your malfeasance.

After all, it was during one such outing that the blender intended to mix bait was unboxed and put to use for the purpose of making a smoothie. And it was during another such time that the captain’s hat I purchased and had embroidered with our surname ended up in a certain mocking social media story. And during a third time still, the bottle of champagne I intended for the christening of my eventual boat’s hull was commandeered to make mimosas.

I am sure that I am off on one such excursion at this very moment, and you intended only to water the container garden, a job that this hose–as in this model of hose–would perform easily, but that this hose–as in, this very hose within this box–will not complete without my ire.

Now, do me a favor. Look down at your hands. You will see that some of this ink has come off onto them. That is by design. Do not bother with any scrubbing. You may dull the imprint, but it will not go away entirely. Later, I will return and see that the hose has been disturbed, and I will call a family meeting, at which point I will look at each member’s hand. The guilty party will not be punished. Their name, however, will be removed from the pool of potential boat names.

Am I understood? Good. Then please refold this paper and put it back, in case another set of treasonous fingers attempts to gain entry after you’ve left.