Look Out

Yesterday, we sold some light strips for inside.

And now we’re selling lights for outside.

Why? Because of this comment from @DefinitelyRealPerson420:

Typical Meh. As the days wind down, they put up a product capable of lighting the INDOORS, a place where people typically ALREADY HAVE LIGHTS. And sure, you can talk about ambiance all you want. But while you’re living in your LED-laden mansions, the rest of us are out here traipsing up the darkened walkways to our houses at night, on our way home from the kazoo factory after sunset, distracted by the low buzz of all the kazoo-testing ringing in our ears, tripping on cracks we can’t see, rolling our ankles over and over again.

Recently, my foreman told me if I miss one more shift because of a bum ankle due to another walkway accident, I’m getting canned. And yes, he said it through a kazoo, but I understood loud and clear, because I’ve worked there so long.

In some ways, the language of the kazoo is the only one I know anymore.

The other day, someone called, “Hello!” to me on the street in a beautiful voice, and I asked: “What instrument are you using to make your voice sound like that?”

And that person? She was my wife. I didn’t recognize her, so long are my hours at that dreaded kazoo factory, from before sunrise to after sunset.

Tears filled her eyes, and she ran away crying.

“Yolanda, wait,” I called. And I ran to catch up with her.

But my ankle, you see, it was tender. Tender from all the trips I suffer in the dark of night while a deal site I trust–a deal site that claims to be a friend of mine–offers additional lights for the inside.

Still, I ran for blocks. Even as the pain surged. Even when I could no longer see my beloved. Even when I no longer recognized my surroundings.

And then a thought occurred to me: What was I doing, out during the hours of daylight? Which was when I remembered: Research and development had sent a plan from their office downtown to the factory. A revolutionary new kazoo model. One that could change the world. We had produced the prototype, and I was tasked with delivering it back to their office.

But I was lost now. I could not find my way. And a quick check of the news revealed that, in my delay, the company had contacted the authorities. I was a fugitive, a rogue employee trying to steal what was not mine, trying to take something that belonged to everyone, an even better kazoo. The authorities were after me. They still are.

None of this would’ve happened if I’d had some outdoor lights. I would’ve avoided the uneven ground of my walkway, and my ankle would’ve been healthy, and I would’ve caught up with Yolanda quickly, explained my mishap, kissed her, and proceeded on my way.

So please, dear Meh, deliver unto me some other lights, ones for outside this time, where they are truly needed.

Also, it would be sick if they could change colors.

Pretty powerful stuff, huh? We really have no choice but to honor this extremely real man’s wishes.

Hence, these pathway lights.