Automotive Hygiene

“Wow,” said Stuart as he followed Bill. “It’s just so amazing. All my life, I’ve loved cars and dreamed about designing them. And now, here I am, fresh out of engineering school and employed by one of the biggest automotive manufacturers in the world!”

“Yes, yes,” said Bill with a friendly chuckle. “You’ll find your story matches many of us who wander these halls. But this next person I’m going to introduce you to? He’s very important.”

Bill knocked on an office door, and a voice from within called, “Come in!”

Inside, a man sat at a drafting table. He put the finishing touch on the project in front of him before standing up to shake Stuart’s hand.

“Fritz, meet Stuart, our newest engineer,” Bill said. To Stuart, he added, “Fritz does something very special for us. He’s our chief crevice designer.”

Stuart’s eyes lit up. “You mean–”

“That’s right,” said Fritz. “I’m in charge of ensuring that each automobile that rolls off the assembly line is outfitted with at least six crevices you won’t notice at the dealership but will, over time, collect dust and detritus.”

“Fritz is a crucial part of the sales process,” Bill said. “You see, when dust collects, it makes a car’s interior look cheap and old. Do people buy a new car because of a little grit? Of course not. But it plants the seed, so to speak. When, even after they clean the car, it still looks dumpy and worn down, that’s when consumers subconsciously begin considering an upgrade.”

“Do you have any words of advice?” Stuart asked.

“The key, for me at least, is to design not for but against,” Fritz said. “I’m not thinking about the crevice. I’m thinking about the vacuum, you see. An aesthetically pleasing crevice that’s easy to clean? It does us no favors. But a crevice that’s too narrow or hard to reach with a standard vacuum, even with an attachment? That’s perfection.”

“Don’t I know it!” Stuart said. “That’s why I had to invest in a Parsecs 3-in-1 Rechargeable Cordless Tire Inflator, Vacuum, and Blower. It’s one little tool, small enough to fit in my glove compartment, but it can help me with low tire pressure in the winter, and, in vacuum mode, can weasel its way into the narrowest crevices. It can even blow dust off a surface or out of an especially tight spot. Neat, right?”

Stuart smiled until he saw the grim expressions on the other men’s faces.

“Bill,” Fritz said.

“Please, Fritz, don’t,” Bill said.

“But I have to,” Fritz said. “I’d like to hand in my resignation.”

With that, he walked out the door, never to return.

“Well,” Bill said, turning to Stuart with a stern expression, “You’re making quite the first impression, aren’t you, boy?”