A Meh-rathon of Sweet Meh-mories
This is a Luxury Home 4-piece set of Satin Sheets. You either know what that is, or can jump in the forum to ask other people about it.
Why aren’t we giving you more info? Well, we weren’t sure what to write for the Meh-rathon so we decided to look at some past Meh write-ups for inspiration. (You can find a random one here, if you want.) Unfortunately, all that did was make us nostalgic and maybe a little teary-eyed. And then the boss was all “Where’s the write-ups, writer dude?” and we panicked and… uhh… Please enjoy this classic write-up about an entirely different product! Also, feel free to share in the forum if you find one you liked or forgot about or missed entirely.
This Bluetooth-enabled keyless padlock raises some questions. Is it really less hassle than just using a key? Do we have to cram technology into a perfectly good-
Stop right there. Those are all “why?” questions. We’re in the “why not?” business. Truth is, you won’t buy this after sober analysis of the relative merits of key locks vs. Bluetooth locks. You’ll buy it because it exists, because somebody made it and it sounds cool.
You’ll buy it because you want to be the guy who doesn’t need a key to unlike his bike or his gym locker. You’ll buy it so you can tell your friends that keys are a medieval technology that’s on its way into oblivion.
Which I (Meh writer @JasonToon, that is) think would be a shame, because locks and keys have provided a durable source of metaphors for songwriters ever since at least Tin Pan Alley. This weekend playlist has twelve examples (also compiled in a YouTube playlist) of how to build a lyric around that humble analog technology we all use every day.
The 101ers - “Keys to Your Heart” (1975)
To introduce the most basic metaphor - unlocking the heart of the one you love - I’m invoking DJ’s privilege and starting off with my personal hero, Joe Strummer. “Keys to Your Heart” was the only single released by his band before the Clash, the 101ers. Joe being Joe, the conventional conceit of the title and chorus are balanced with oddball lines in the verses, like “I used to hate the taste of cheese / I was gonna be an undertaker.”
Speech Debelle - “The Key” (2009)
At the opposite end of the scale, the key can be the thing that unlocks The Truth About Life. On “The Key”, British rapper Speech Debelle starts to heal her hurt feelings about a former partner in fun who has now gone straight. As she puts it, “Overstanding is the key.” (“Overstanding” is a Rasta-inspired twist on “understanding”.)
Frank Sinatra - “Love Locked Out” (1956)
On paper, not one of the strongest songs Frank Sinatra ever assayed. But Max Kester’s lyric at least takes a halfway novel approach to the lock metaphor, with love left knocking outside on the door. And Sinatra was at his absolute peak in 1956, so he sells this flimsy little number like hell.
The Charades - “Key to My Happiness” (1966)
Maybe the only song ever written that likens a lost love to a repossessed car, this titanic soul stormer went nowhere on its release, but it has become a favorite of British soul obsessives in the “Northern Soul” scene.
Georgia Browns - “Who Stole De Lock?” (1933)
I don’t know blues signifiers well enough to know if this song is a metaphor for something political, or sexual, or spiritual, or if the singer really is just wondering who stole the lock off the henhouse door.
Bruno Mars - “Locked Out of Heaven” (2012)
In keeping with the overblown emotive inflation of contemporary pop, Bruno Mars tells his lady “your sex takes me to paradise”, literally unlocking the door to Heaven. Fortunately, this dopey lyric is saved by lean new wave funk that sounds like a mashup of the Police and Michael Jackson.
Home Blitz - “I’m That Key” (2015)
Here we have the key as apparently meaningless syllable in the title. Or maybe it does mean something. I can’t find it anywhere in the song. I just like this distorted caffeine-pop spazz-out, complete with two harpsichord breakdowns.
Buck Owens - “The Key’s in the Mailbox” (1961)
Harlan Howard wrote this key as a symbol of the singer’s devotion to his lady; it’s always in the mailbox so she can come on in whenever she needs a break from catting around town. Buck Owens recorded the first and best of the many versions of this song, aching with so much pathos, you really believe he’ll never even ask her where she’s been.
Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds - “Lock All the Doors” (2015)
OK, analyzing Oasis lyrics is a fool’s errand, and Noel Gallagher hasn’t especially stepped up his verbal craft with his subsequent records. But “Lock All the Doors” is a reasonably coherent plea for solitude, for a sturdy door to keep the world away from him and his lady. I think. Anyway, it’s one of the more energetic and memorable High Flying Birds tunes, maybe related to the fact that Noel started writing it in the 1990s.
Melanie - “Brand New Key” (1971)
I’m not gonna lie to you: I kind of hate this song, especially the vocal affectations that made it a novelty hit. But it’s a great example of the obvious but (if you believe Melanie herself) unconscious Freudian metaphor of the lock and key. And that’s all I’ll say about that.
The La’s - “I Am the Key” (1989)
“I am the key / You are the door,” Lee Mavers sings on this jangle-pop nursery rhyme, but then later “I am the key / Open the door”. I guess this one shows how easily a lazy key metaphor can get jumbled into nonsense. Catchy tune, though.
Eater - “Lock It Up” (1977)
Finally we have the lock as metaphor for the straight life: “All those divs with plenty of money / They’ve all put locks on the doors / They’re so scared someone’s gonna rob 'em / While they’re out making more.” Eater also asks “Are you sure you’re under lock and key?” Not bad for a bunch of teenage punks too young to get into some of the venues where they played.
Thanks for the chance to share some songs I love (and, as I said, one that I almost hate) under the transparent pretext of selling this LockSmart Mini Bluetooth Padlock. Share your favorite lock-and-key songs in the forum, and see you here next Sunday for another dig through the digital crates.
Unlock the treasures of our past weekend playlists:
