What Makes The Perfect Roller Skate Jam?

Hey, Meh writer @JasonToon here. Safe to say I’m not exactly Mr. Roller King. I can generally stay upright and moving in the right direction on a pair of skates like these Cardiff three-wheel overshoe models here, but if you’re looking for any spins or twirls, you got the wrong guy. When I think “roller skating”, I think of the rink DJs who have to identify a good roller skate jam and keep 'em coming all session long. I’m gonna take a shot at it myself with this very long weekend playlist (assembled conveniently here if you just want to autoplay it).

It transcends style, genre, era. For as long as roller rinks have packed 'em in, roller skate jams have followed a few simple rules. It’s gotta have a beat: steady, not too fast, with at least a little bounce to it. It’s gotta have a catchy chorus and at least one distinctive instrumental hook. Finally - and this is where it goes beyond the formula for any old pop hit - it’s gotta have a certain flourish, a sonic shimmer, a rhythmic wiggle, something that harmonizes with the roll of the skates and the twinkle of the disco ball. You know it when you hear it.

The easiest ploy is to just come out and say it in the title, but you better be able to deliver. Fortunately, De la Soul’s “A Roller Skating Jam Named ‘Saturdays’” can back up its title, topping a propulsive beat with scratch stabs and a perfectly nagging chorus:

I wasn’t alive when “96 Tears” by ? and the Mysterians would have been rink fodder, but something about that rolling organ always sounded like roller skating to me:

A celebratory good-time mood helps, and it doesn’t get much more celebratory than “Celebration” by Kool & the Gang:

But heavy lyrics are no barrier to packing the rink. Eddy Grant may be singing about hunger and violence, but “Electric Avenue” is pure musical neon:

Let’s just get this one out of the way now… obviously ABBA’s “Dancing Queen” is a near-perfect roller skate jam:

And while we’re in wedding/skating crossover territory, might as well throw “You Sexy Thing” by Hot Chocolate in there:

But keep in mind, roller skate jams and disco are not 100% synonymous. A song with no funk at all can be a roller skate jam, if the beat is still steady and the musical drama is overblown. Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love A Bad Name” wouldn’t get a disco moving, but it got a lot of wheels spinning in its day:

You want to get people moving? Young MC knows all you have to do is ask. It doesn’t hurt that “Bust a Move” also brings a nagging guitar hook and a flow simple enough that even white kids can rap along:

I’m sure Devo didn’t have roller skating in mind, but it was a happy accident that their sneaky assault on the charts happened to allude to a group skating move. I speak, of course, of “Whip It”:

The overall quality of a song does not necessarily correlate to its roller skate jammage. Obviously, the best Erasure song is “A Little Respect” - but “Chains of Love” has by far the better skating beat:

And while “Centerfold” is the J. Geils Band’s all-time classic, the more dynamic arrangement of “Freeze Frame” makes it the skaters’ choice:

Can a bad song be a good roller skate jam? I don’t sit around the house listening to “Ebony Eyes” by Bob Welch. But the arrangement has a few tricks up its sleeve - some well-placed guitar stabs, that glossy synth hook on the chorus - that make it right at home in the roller rink:

The musical quality bar gets even lower for the “couples’ skate”. You still need a beat, and some sparkle - add an elevated sense of pubescent melodrama and even a wad of cheese like “You Got It All” by the Jets takes on a certain magic:

OK, now that the slow-jam is over, how do you get the sideliners back on the floor? Play something with a long, instantly recognizable intro, to pierce through their conversations and give them some time to get out there. “Car Wash” by Rose Royce will do nicely:

You’ve probably noticed that all these songs are old. That’s because I’m old. But it does raise the question, what songs from this century have joined the all-time roller skate jam canon? In my relatively limited rink time in the twenty-hundreds, “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley slots right in among the classics:

A more recent monster every-chart crossover hit, “Happy” by Pharrell Williams, is also tailor-made for the rink - or anywhere else you can skate:

The session is peaking now! Time to let it all hang out with the secret obscene chant to Billy Idol’s version of “Mony Mony”:

And do some karate moves to DeBarge’s “Rhythm of the Night”:

And pump some fists along to Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar On Me”:

Before the grand finale… but of course… “It Takes Two” by Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock:

Whew! The lights come up amid the mingled aromas of popcorn and sweat, and another weekend playlist is in the books. This is easily our longest yet - but it could have been three times longer with no variation in vibe. As always, condemn my shocking omissions and share your favorites in the forum. And if you buy a pair of these Cardiff skates, tell 'em the weekend playlist sent you.

Some other playlists for weekends when you’re not roller skating:

• Ahhhhhh: 12 Shades of Musical Relaxation
• Heartbeat Songs: Cardiac Pop
• Pop Will Repeat Itself: The Theory of Repetitive Song Titles
• Sweat Bands: The '80s Gym Rock Challenge
• Gated Reverb: Boom and Bust
• 808 101: The Drum Machine That Moved The '80s