No Caveman Coverage

We just want to make this clear: all we’re offering here are 2 solar-powered LED lights that can, for up to 8 hours, mimic flickering, thus providing the perfect middle ground between boring solar lights and actually-could-burn-shit-down-real-deal tiki torches. And the 2 of them only cost $14.

We stress this because there is a much more expensive package out there: The 2-pack of Solar Flickering Flame Torch Lights with Accidental Caveman Time Traveler Coverage, which can ensure minimal emotional harm and confusion in the event that a caveman accidentally time travels to our time and does not know what to make of your lights that appear to be aflame but are not hot to the touch.

That package includes:

• A club, to counter the attacks of a caveman who has accidentally time traveled into the future (the present) and is scared and/or angry.

• A tablet which will connect you to a scientist who is capable of explaining to an accidental time traveling caveman both what fire is (if they’re from time before fire has been discovered), what electricity is, and what solar power is.

• A secondary scientist, this one in-person, to explain to any accidental caveman time traveler what exactly a tablet is.

• A linguist to translate both scientists into caveman language.

• Another accidental time traveling caveman who has arrived at an earlier time but is still very much a caveman to really nail nuances of the language.

• A third scientist to interview the accidental caveman time traveler (and the other accidental caveman time traveler who is now sort of a translator) in order to unlock the secrets of time travel.

• A team of engineers to build you a time machine based on the third scientist’s findings.

• Various materials that might be useful in the time machine building process.

It’s a very good, comprehensive package but it costs nearly 250 thousand times more than what we’re charging here. And if you’re not expecting any accidental caveman time travelers, then you should really be fine with just the two lights.