A Smooth, Rich Adventure Story

Dearest Rodrigo,

Your kind wishes for mine and Fiona’s anniversary were well received, as was the painting, and the poem, and the sheet music. I played it on the vibrantly engraved lute we found while exploring what was said to be an ancient asylum for cursed musicians. You really are quite the songsmith, my friend!

Unfortunately, the other gift I received–from Fiona–was not nearly as nice. I remember opening the box. I remember seeing what I believed was a scorpion pendant, but was actually a real scorpion. I remember a prick, and then all became cloudy, as I descended into a strange swirling hell.

You of all people will not be surprised that, as a man of adventurous nature and an open mind, I was able to parlay the hallucinations into a spiritual awakening. Though, considering the many other spiritual awakenings we have both experienced over the years, calling it that feels a bit overblown. It was not, in other words, among my favorites: not nearly as thought-provoking as when we ate the Forbidden Berries, nor as terrifying as when we harvested the Mushrooms of Truth, nor as funny as when we accidentally made a sandwich from the Archetypal Cucumber of Gallindan.

Nonetheless, it served a purpose: I saw the truth, which was that Fiona was Sir Oliver’s former lover who had, for the duration of our relationship, been working alongside Henri the Skull to avenge him. After this was revealed, there came an onslaught of scorpion-related knowledge, during which I remembered the trick you taught me, of how to communicate with one’s physical body from within a hallucination through a series of coded blinks. Thus, while many vibrant and unspeakable scenes bloomed around me, I was able to guide myself to a zoo, smash through the glass of a particular terrarium, and lure a second scorpion (this one possessing a venom that served, I had just learned, as the anti-venom to that of first) to sting me.

Which is to say, I’ve only just now fully reentered reality after several days in a state more tiring than wakefulness, and I’m very exhausted. But alas, as we both know, in this line of work there is no rest. So, it’s very lucky that I happened to have two Primula Cold Brew Travel Bottles around! That way, I can always have one brewing, while from the other I drink delicious, smooth, cold-brewed coffee as if it were the Elixir of Golden Tears (which I think you’ll agree, in retrospect, provided a spiritual awakening that was subtle and nuanced, yet rich).

Until our next great adventure,
Gleg Tamperhorn