Minimalist, Maximally Described

[EDITOR’S NOTE: We’ve recently expanded our copy staff by one, so please join us in welcoming Maximilian Grandiose (pronounced “Gran-wah”). We’ll be slowly working him in, but fair warning, he can be a bit long-winded. We hope to break him of this habit soon enough, but in the meantime, we’ll do our best to provide… err… translations of his work. Anyway, take it away, Max!]

Since the dawn of time, when our greatest of great-great-grandparents slithered blindly from the primordial ooze, the human mind has been attuned towards the accrual of wealth.

[EDITOR’S TRANSLATION: People like money.]

Some harvest the cloth variety, printed with the leaders of yesteryear. Others contain the entirety of our accumulated largess within a thin piece of numerically tattooed plastic.

[EDITOR’S TRANSLATION: There’s paper money, and also there are credit/debit cards.]

But where shall you put this currency or its swipeable stand-in? Inside your own personal Fort Knox, of course, the original ‘mobile banking’ solution, the small compartment that sits within another small compartment: that liminal space between pant and the greater universe. That’s right! An easily accessible container within an easily accessible container! Like a Russian nesting doll of capital!

[EDITOR’S TRANSLATION: We put money in wallets, and then we put wallets in our pockets.]

And when you seize upon dispersing these ripened fruits of your paycheck, what do you do? You traverse the digital roadways, that interstate system paved with HTML, until, alas, your onboard GPS chirps, in friendly vocalization, “You have reached your destination.” And, gazing out the figurative windshield, you see something beautiful: a singular object offered, its fleeting lifespan one rotation of the earth.

[EDITOR’S TRANSLATION: When you want to spend some money, you can go to a deal-a-day site.]

And lo, the irony! For what is that object but the very thing from whence that which is used to acquire it emerges! That same aforementioned compartment that goes inside a compartment!

[EDITOR’S TRANSLATION: We’re selling a wallet today.]

But this is no hide for you to seek. Apply your finger and it expresses no retraction, neither inhaling nor exhaling at the poke. It remains firm, its skin a sheet of crystalline filaments of carbon or the element which bears the unlucky atomic number 13.

[*EDITOR’S TRANSLATION: It’s not leather, nor is it soft at all. Actually, it’s hard, made of carbon fiber or aluminum.]

Were it an automobile, its passenger log would read as follows: Bozo, Droopy, Buttons, Snickers, Bubbles, Bumble, Pinky, Chuckles, Dodo, Dimples, Wiggles, Ronald, Koko, Krusty, and Sandy. For it is, by its a nature, a clown car, compact yet deceptively roomy. Though, to be clear, it transports cards instead of gaudy-faced comedians, and still has room in the elastic trunk for additional cargo, whether that be of the monetary or transportational variety.

[EDITOR’S TRANSLATION: It can hold 15 cards, and also has a strap for cash or a transit card or what have you. Honestly, there are roughly ten more pages of this, so I’m going to cut it short there. Great effort, Max. But let’s work on some concision next time, okay?]