Don't tell our buyers: we're almost out of the knife business.

Psst. Psst! Can you keep a secret? Just between you and us, today’s sale might wipe out our knife inventory. Then maybe we can stop being a knife store, as we’ve wished for so many times before.

But here’s the thing: if our purchasing team finds out, they’ll go buy some more knives. And we’ll have to sell them. And you’ll buy them. Because by the same absurd cosmic logic that trapped Riggan Thomson into the Birdman suit, we’re really good at selling knives, somehow. And then we’ll spiral back down into the k-hole. At first, that “k” would stand for knives, not ketamine. But if we have to keep selling knives, who knows?

That’s why we gave the buyers the day off. And bought them tickets to Six Flags. And rented them a party bus to get there, stocked with as much Four Loko on ice as they care to drink. And slipped the driver a hundred bucks to take the scenic route.

Now, we’re not telling you to buy these pairs of 9Cr14MoV high-carbon stainless steel drop-point knives for any reason other than that you want them. We don’t expect you to care that each one you buy gets us closer to cutting the cord. You have no reason to help open the door to freedom so we can stealthily tiptoe through it. Don’t do us any favors.

Except one: if you happen to see some very festive people tumbling out of a chartered bus at Six Flags today, don’t mention anything about this, OK?