Let's Heat

Dear Santa Clause,

I am writing to you with the unfortunate news that, unless you rectify the situation within a week, I will be forced appeal my gift this year. While the product I received is very nice–it provides powerful heat with great haste when working outside and does so quietly–it is not remotely the thing I requested and thus expected to find under my expansive Christmas tree earlier this week.

Here is what I believe occurred. My usual typist suffered a sprained left pinky while eating his Thanksgiving Dinner, so I had to employ a temporary replacement. This replacement, being unfamiliar with the cadence of my voice and accent, took the dictation of my Christmas list as effectively as she could, but failed to separate the items out with commas, and I, being so used to everything being perfect–Lucien rarely makes an error; he’s typing this right now, as a matter of fact, his pinky fully recovered–did not check over the temp’s work. Hence the single item list you received and what you subsequently gifted me.

But let me here clarify (and I will do so in list form so as to be as clear as possible), the gifts I should receive include:

• Dayton, as in the entire city in Ohio, emptied of its current residents, so that I may turn it into a retreat for those days when I want to see tall buildings but do not want to see other people. Is it coastal? Is it particularly beautiful? No and no. Which I say just to show you how reasonable I am being here. I did not ask for Miami or even Providence! Nobody wants Dayton! So why cannot I have it?!

• Quiet. As stated above, there are days when I just do not want to deal with the world’s noise. Again, being reasonable, I leave how you provide this quiet up to you. Maybe some noise-cancelling headphones? Maybe a soundproof dome over Dayton? I am open to any or all solutions.

• Here we find the temporary’s gravest mistake. It was supposed to be portobellos and gas was intended to be a parenthetical, as I love mushrooms but those outside the portobello variety give some gastrointestinal distress.

• A torpedo heater. You would not believe how many torpedos the captain of my private submarine has to throw away each year because they get too cold and cease to function. A torpedo heater would be a boon to my bottom line, in terms of how much money I budget to maintain the sub each year.

Once again, I really do hate to file this appeal, but if I must, so be it. Please deliver these things by Friday of next week if you hope to avoid a long drawn out legal process. Of course, I imagine you will not require me to send back the item I received, as it would be a hassle, so if you do not mind, I will keep the heater. Again, it is quite nice.

Also, maybe gift Lucien a better job. He hates this one and thinks the boss smells like if onions and ammonia had a baby.

Sincerely,
Peter Valiente Umprasium the Fourth

(Dictated but not read.)