Episode V.V: The Intern's Gambit

Emperor Palpatine: So then I’m like “Chancellor? I hardly know her!” Ha ha! Everybody laughed, and not just because I could have them killed.

Darth Vader: Hilarious, my master.

Emperor Palpatine: Jeez, don’t bust a gut or anything. Whose funeral did you just come from, Sunshine?

Darth Vader: Forgive me, my master. It’s nothing. An argument with my son.

Emperor Palpatine: Ah, kids’ll be kids. Forget about it. We struck back, you got these rebels on the run - everything’s coming up Vader! You want to be the second most powerful bad guy in the galaxy or you want to be Ward Cleaver?

Darth Vader: Of course, my master. Such problems are insignificant. Yet… I sense that our recent victories have not been consolidated.

Emperor Palpatine: sigh… OK, Darth Downer. What’s itching you?

Darth Vader: I think the Empire should transcend these petty local squabbles, these momentary uprisings, and establish a legacy that will reach galaxies far, far away and last for a long, long time.

Emperor Palpatine: What’d you have in mind? A Life Day special? Let’s put on a show! A lot of people don’t know this, but I originally trained as a dancer.

Darth Vader: Not exactly, my master. And yet…

Zak the Imperial Intern: Have you considered promotional merchandise?

Darth Vader: Who dares address his masters unbidden?

Zak the Imperial Intern: Oh, uh, sorry, Lord sir Vader sir. I’m, uh, Zak? The intern? From Naboo Tech? Go, Fightin’ Opees!

Darth Vader: Your insolence is -

Emperor Palpatine: Naboo Tech, no kidding? Me too! Everybody still hang out at that townie bar, what was it called?

Zak the Imperial Intern: The Force Field?

Emperor Palpatine: The Force Field, right! I tacked a five-credit bill to the ceiling one night after I won it in a shot-drinking contest. Wonder if it’s still there.

Darth Vader: Master, if I may -

Emperor Palpatine: So what’s this about promotional merchandise, kid?

Zak the Imperial Intern: Well, uh, like, stuff with our logo on it. People will buy it and use it and spread it around. Get our name out there. Kinda, you know, build some Imperial buzz.

Emperor Palpatine: What, like, keychains?

Zak the Imperial Intern: snicker Uh, no, I don’t think so. Who uses keychains?

Darth Vader: You dare scoff at His Imperial Majesty? I will choke you from far away!

Zak the Imperial Intern: gaaakkk

Emperor Palpatine: Let him go, let him go, I wanna hear what he has to say.

Darth Vader: …As you wish.

Zak the Imperial Intern: gasp Thank you… huff Your Imperialness…

Emperor Palpatine: OK, smart guy, so not keychains. What then? Polo shirts?

Zak the Imperial Intern: Well, you’re really only reaching guys then, and only the kind of guys who wear polo shirts with sponsored logos on them. No, I had something else in mind: water bottles.

Emperor Palpatine: Hmm. Water bottles.

Zak the Imperial Intern: You find some primitive planets, flood them with these water bottles. Promo gold!

Emperor Palpatine: What do you think, Vader?

Darth Vader: If - if my master wishes it so, then -

Emperor Palpatine: Yeah, yeah, OK, I keep forgetting we didn’t hire you for your original thinking. Water bottles, huh? I can see it. Everybody uses them. They last a long time. Not too expensive to produce.

Zak the Imperial Intern: Well, you’d really want to make them good ones, though.

Emperor Palpatine: Hey, this empire is first-class all the way!

Darth Vader: Please, my master, just one choke.

Zak the Imperial Intern: I’m just saying, you want people using these. They won’t do you any good sitting in some drawer.

Emperor Palpatine: This kid makes sense. So help me, the kid makes sense. OK, Zek, is it?

Zak the Imperial Intern: Zak, sir.

Emperor Palpatine: Zak, right. You’re hired! You’re now, uh, Imperial Lord of Promotional Water Bottles.

Zak the Imperial Intern: Thank you, Your Emperority!

Darth Vader: My master, the judgment is yours, of course, but it seems terribly sudden to elevate him to a Lordship.

Emperor Palpatine: You’re talking to a guy who blows up planets for fun. Loosen up a little, huh? Now, Zak, Zek, Zok, whatever your name is, what do you need to get this going? Actually, forget it, I don’t need the details. Go talk to Doris in petty cash, she’ll get you set up. Tell her it’s for E.P.

Zak the Imperial Intern: Thanks! You won’t regret it!

Emperor Palpatine: Oh, hey, one thing: put some stormtroopers on 'em. People love those uniforms, and God knows they cost enough. Might as well wring all the juice we can out of 'em.

Zak the Imperial Intern: Good eye, dude! Stormtroopers, totally! Good call!

Emperor Palpatine: Maybe you could put Lord Vader on one, too, huh? That black costume, it’s got some zazz.

Darth Vader: Thank you, my master.

Zak the Imperial Intern: Uh, yeah, sure, maybe, uh, I could fit him onto one with some other characters. Like a group thing.

Emperor Palpatine: Whatever, it’s your baby. Now get the hell out of here! Go! Get moving! I want those water bottles all over the universe and beyond!

Zak the Imperial Intern: Aye-aye, sir! Bye now!

Emperor Palpatine: Bye! …Smart kid. Sharp, sharp kid. I think we’re going to be seeing a lot more of him.

Darth Vader: I wouldn’t count on it, my master.