My Favorite Songs That Suck

Hey, Meh contributor @JasonToon here. I ran through my quota of vacuum cleaner “suck” puns my first week on the job at Woot, but for this weekend playlist, I thought it would be a good excuse to come clean about my own musical shame. I think, if you’re not susceptible to the wiles of the occasional awful but for some reason irresistible song, you’re not quite human. So this week I’m revealing the songs everybody else hates - sometimes even me - but that I also kind of like, for no reason I could ever explain. It’s also compiled in a YouTube playlist to expedite my indictment before the court of good taste.

Snow - “Informer” (1992)
Still working on perfecting my karaoke version of this, but when I get it right, my karaoke rivals will get licky-boom-boom-downed.

Spandau Ballet - “True” (1983)
That Calgon “soul” bath, the whimpering vocal hook, the awesome self-regard of the lyrics (“This is the sound of my soul”) - and then that sax solo. A terrible, incredible achievement I can’t turn away from.

Hanson - “Mmmbop” (1997)
Millions of people in the late '90s couldn’t resist this mall-indie Jackson 5 update, then pretended like they were too cool for it. You know you love it.

Eddie Murphy - “Party All the Time” (1985)
“OK, put your phones on, man” and groove to the late-nite basic-cable synth sound of Rick and Eddie. It’ll be running through your head the rest of the day.

Oasis - “Whatever” (1997)
I will never be able to either justify or deny my affection for Oasis. This 1997 single is one of their flimsiest confections of faux-Beatles grandiosity and empty rhyming-dictionary lyrics, so naturally it’s one of my favorites.

Justin Bieber - “Baby” (2010)
As annoying and undeniable as Hanson. Don’t fight it. Don’t fight it.

Len - “Steal My Sunshine” (1999)
When did everything that seemed stupid and shitty during the '90s suddenly become a carefree avatar of simpler times? This song makes me feel like I just spilled Mountain Dew on somebody’s thrift-store couch during a particularly intense level of Sonic the Hedgehog.

Herman’s Hermits - “I’m Henry the VIII, I Am” (1964)
The song Patrick Swayze used to torture Whoopi Goldberg into helping him in Ghost. If Patrick Swayze and Whoopi Goldberg hate something, it can’t be all bad. Sometimes I like to kick this song up to peak twee by playing it on my ukulele (I’m not kidding).

Skid Row - “I Remember You” (1989)
Is anything worse than power ballads? Not just in music, but in life? This one “wins” with an earwormy chorus, over-the-top cheesy lyrics, wailing guitar garbage, and Sebastian Bach’s unholy screech on the later choruses. It’s The Song That Should Not Be, and yet it is! It is!

Chumbawamba - “Tubthumping” (1997)
Chumbawamba were a great anarchist dance-punk band before they signed to a major label and had a global hit with - I don’t care what anybody says - a great anarchist dance-punk song. Come at me, bro.

If you survived that, your prize is the opportunity to inflict your own sorry-not-sorry favorites on the rest of us in the forum. Otherwise, see you next week for some actual good music again.

Songs to meet your preferred level of suckitude are available in our weekend playlist archive:

• Sweat Bands: The '80s Gym Rock Challenge
• Lame Sequels
• Monstrous Hits: Songs About Terrifying Creatures
• Can’t You Hear That Thunder?: The '80s Australian Invasion
• Weekend playlist archive