Hearing voices can save your life.

The easiest way to talk about this Oregon Scientific Desktop NOAA Radio is to employ the question-and-answer form employed by such respected authorities as Ship Your Enemies Glitter, Socrates, and micropenis.info. To make it a little more interesting, we’ve reanimated Elder Lemuel Strongwell, who died in Charleswick, Massachusetts in 1707. Give Lemuel a warm Meh welcome for the first edition of Frequently Asked Questions By A Clinically Depressed Puritan Witch Hunter (FAQBACDPWH)!

Elder Lemuel Strongwell: What manner of sorcery be this?

A: If you’re the type who wants a weather radio (and you know if you are), this is the one to buy, especially at this price. Unlike the kind you take with you camping or whatever, this NOAA radio is something you can put in your house and leave on, to alert you to any National Weather Service bulletins immediately. Think of it like your smoke detector or carbon monoxide detector, but for tornadoes and hail. And instead of an annoying buzz, it’s got the voices of the NWS Severe Hazard Zoo Crew!

Elder Lemuel Strongwell: Voices that speak from a box? 'Tis devilment!

A: Well, the voices aren’t from the box, per se. They come over the air, through the box.

Elder Lemuel Strongwell: Voices from the air? Is that supposed to be better?

A: Uh, yeah, anyway so this is a pretty good emergency radio. You can set the level of alert you want (Advisory, Watch, or Warning), and also see it spelled out visually on the dot matrix readout.

Elder Lemuel Strongwell: You’re not even listening to me, are you?

A: I’m… sorry, but we just kinda need to sell this thing today, so -

Elder Lemuel Strongwell: No, no. I’m used to it. Nobody listens to me. It’s fine.

A: Aw, come on. I’m sure that’s not true.

Elder Lemuel Strongwell: You don’t know what you’re talking about. I can see it on people’s faces. When Magistrate Slocum orders a witch to the dunking stool, or when that pushy know-it-all Forbearance Brown denounces some 8-year-old girl as a demon, everybody’s all ears. But let me utter just one little accusation that I saw a townwife flying nude over the rye fields and that instead of human breasts she had teats like a nannygoat’s, and their eyes glaze over. “Oh, great, here goes Strongwell again.”

A: You’re just imagining that because you don’t feel good about yourself.

Elder Lemuel Strongwell: I am not. I open my mouth and suddenly everybody remembers some butter they have to go churn.

A: I really doubt that. I mean, you’re an elder.

Elder Lemuel Strongwell: I’m a fraud.

A: Come on. You don’t believe that.

Elder Lemuel Strongwell: I’m a fraud and they’re gonna find out sooner or later.

A: Look, I don’t really you know you. We only just met. But I have to say, you terrify me.

Elder Lemuel Strongwell: You’re just trying to be nice.

A: I’m serious. As a wielder of technology that you might consider sorcery, I’d be scared shitless to have you denouncing me at a witch trial. Hell, I’m scared right now. You’re scary, bro. Deal with it.

Elder Lemuel Strongwell: Really? No… really?

A: Totally! You are the pitiless instrument of a wrathful God. I’ve never met anybody who seems more capable of damning some poor, eccentric 17th-century lesbian to a horrific death!

Elder Lemuel Strongwell: Well, thanks. It’s… it’s good to hear.

A: No problem. Just calling it like I see it. Now, you got any more questions about the Oregon Scientific Desktop NOAA Radio?

Elder Lemuel Strongwell: I understand that it can run on AC or battery power. How many and what kind of batteries does it require?

A: 3 AA batteries.