Ninja Foodi 8-Quart All-In-One Cooker
- You wanna pressure cook that shit? Do it!
- You wanna air fry that motherfucker? Be our guest!
- You want a little from column a, little from column b? Sounds like tender crisp time!
- You want it to clean up after itself when it’s done? Uhhh… no comment.
- Model: OP401. Just started at this for twenty minutes trying to find the hidden word, then realized that it’s only a model number.
What Chew You Think
Were one to attend the Conference of Culinary Minutiae, specifically the panel “What Chew You Think: Toward Defining the Ideal Texture Of Food,” one might believe that Doctors Owens, Carnley, and Davis could never agree on anything.
So it seemed, from their opening statements.
“Food should be cooked to the point of obscene tenderness,” said Doctor Owens. “The teeth should be like ships traveling through a fog: aware of a certain thickness all around them, but otherwise unobstructed until they crash into their upper or lower brethren.”
“When you listen to band play a song, who is it that truly sets the tone?” asked Doctor Carnley. “Surely the guitarist, the keyboardist, the bassist–all of these can contribute, but they are mere spices. It is the percussion that lets us know a song’s audacity. And so too must it be with our dinner. If the food is not crispy-fried, the musicality of the meal will forever allude us.”
“My colleagues,” said Doctor Davis, “seek to flatten things. It must be crispy or it must be tender. What I ask is, can it not be both? What if our food had a crisp top but a tender heart? In this way, it is almost like an edible secret, and the consumption of it will fill us with the same giddiness as learning something forbidden.”
The discussion went forward with no momentum, each doctor raising a point and being met with nothing from his panel-mates but stern glares.
And yet, when they went home that night, they all had, sitting on their respective kitchen counters, the same thing: a Ninja Foodi 8-Quart All-In-One Cooker. It could pressure cook for Doctor Owens, air fry for Doctor Carnley, and tender crisp for Doctor Davis.
If only they knew! What beautiful research they could make together!