Put our words in your mouth.

What are we thankful for? You and your big mouth. Without the word-of-mouth, person-to-person, skin-on-skin, Hell-on-wheels publicity you guys have given us since way back when we started Woot, we wouldn’t be here today. (And despite what some might say, we consider our continued existence a good thing.) Every time you tell a friend, relative, neighbor, bridge partner, speed date, or co-defendant about Meh, you make it that much more certain that we’ll be here to ruin your day with more nonsense tomorrow. And for that, we are truly, humbly, no-shit grateful.

Now let us give you something else to talk about. Today, you’ll probably be confronted with the ultimate Thanksgiving pitfall: whether to take the bait from that loudmouthed relative who tries to turn every family gathering into a basic-cable shout show. Don’t do it. It’s not worth it. It’s like wrestling a hog: you might “win”, but you’ll end up covered in manure all the same.

Instead, start blathering about one of the following utterly inconsequential subjects, which only the most hidebound, socially inept ideologue could possibly twist into a political rant. Almost everyone will thank you for it!

The return of that Irish dad who shot his Vegas vacation in selfie mode. Irish bus driver Joe Griffin’s chummy brogue, dad sense of humor, and technological cluelessness made him an Internet sensation over the last week or so. But did you see that the Las Vegas tourist board, no dummies about taking advantage of free publicity, paid to bring Joe and his son back to Las Vegas with a two-way camera? Almost everyone around your Thanksgiving table would rather talk about this than politics.

Black Friday prank. Some guy put up fake Black Friday deals at Target. Hot gifts for centaurs! Enchanted mayonnaise! A free falcon! So much more fun than talking politics!

Speaking of which, what will Cards Against Humanity do for Black Friday this year? Two years ago, they raised the price of their popular, disgusting card game. Last year, they sold actual bullshit (an idea that, ahem, certain of us proposed for Woot several years ago, to the stony-faced unamusement of Amazon apparatchiks). What do you suppose they’ll do tomorrow? Whatever it is, it is literally impossible for it to be less enjoyable than talking about politics.

A 97-year-old lady gets her high school diploma. Margaret Thome Bekema was awarded an honorary diploma from the Michigan high school she dropped out of in 1936 to care for her ailing mother. A heartwarming reminder of everything we have these days to be thankful for (including not talking about politics).

That WKRP Thanksgiving episode with the turkeys. Did you know it was based on a real incident, except the turkeys were thrown out of a truck, not a helicopter? The creators and actors in that episode have a lot more stories to tell about it, which do not involve politics in any way.

Cherpumple. The turducken of desserts is three pies inside of three cakes, all stacked up and iced. It’s not new, and maybe everyone has heard of it already. But nearly all of them will be thankful for the chance to talk about it instead of politics.

And finally, if none of that brings apolitical tranquility to the Thanksgiving table, it’s time to blast a laser beam of harmony from the Great Unifier:

The new Star Wars movie. Have you seen the Japanese trailer yet? It’s got a few seconds of extra footage! And no politics!

May your turkey stay hot and your heads stay cool. Happy Thanksgiving, y’all.