One New Massage

“Thanks all for jumping on at such short notice. I know Zoom isn’t ideal, but given the approaching deadline, it seemed better than a long drawn-out email chain, so… I’m sorry. Does anyone else hear that?”

“No, definitely not me.”

“Gregory. We talked about this.”

“You know, maybe the reason I’m not hearing it is because I did just get a new microphone, to better assist in these meetings. It’s possible that I didn’t set it up correctly, and now there’s some disruption that sounds a lot like a Miko Shiatsu Foot Massager giving my feet a deep-kneading massage.”

“Gregory…”

“Or, you know, I’m just remembering, there is some work being done in my building. They’re remodeling another one of the condos and the various construction devices they’re using, as strange as it may sound, make noises that, heard all at once, can be mistook for a Miko Shiatsu Foot Massager relieving someone’s tired feet using targeted heat.”

“Okay, but Gregory–”

“And since the condo being remodeled is the one directly below mine–did I mention that?–it might sound as though the noise were coming from beneath my desk, which might give the impression that I was acting so unprofessionally as to enjoy a shiatsu foot massage while taking part in a video conference call for work.”

“Gregory, no one said–”

“And really, it might not be the construction. It might just be the noise of the world. After all, there are fewer cars driving by, fewer people on the streets. That new kind of silence perhaps exhibits itself as the sound of a machine working targeted pressure points on one’s heels and arches.”

“Gregory, you can mute yourself!”

“Oh… right… that’s… that’s a good idea. Though, if I mute myself and the sound ceases, that isn’t necessarily evidence that I was receiving a foot–”

“GREGORY!”

“Yep. Sorry. I’ll just click that mu–”