Make Your Me-Time

Hello. My name is Todd Money. Heir to the Money fortune.

Yes, that’s right: while other rich heirs rely on this product or that selling to ensure their continued richness, I get a little bit of money every time someone uses my namesake. Which is money.

And yes, making money when anyone exchanges money is certainly lucrative, but it’s also stressful. There are board meetings. There are financial planners to deal with. There are yachts that need servicing before they’re set on fire at the annual Yacht Bonfire for Billionaire Yacht Owners.

What I’m saying is, having so much money can be emotionally taxing. (Also, financially taxing.)

And when I’m particularly worked up, what I like to do is go to the domed arboretum atop my mansion, where I can enjoy nature’s tranquility (regardless of the “weather outside”) along with a bottle of 1945 Romanée-Conti. Or down to the basement to use one of my Chambers of Bionic Relaxation, which use certain elements of science that will only remain legal as long as they are unexplained to help their occupants achieve total calm.

And if I need some music, why, all I must do is call upon my in-house orchestra and/or mariachi band to play something soothing.

But, according to some research I’ve done, my living situation is not exactly common. Some, I am told, do not have domed arboretums. Or Chambers of Bionic Relaxation. Some, I am told, don’t even live in houses where the rooms outnumber occupants at a rate of 38-to-1 (and yes, that figure does include the aforementioned live-in orchestra and mariachi band members).

Then, of course, there are those who cannot afford $558,000 bottles of wine. For this, there is a simple solution: Casemates. Why, at this very moment, they are offering the delicious Urgency Zinfandel from the Shannon Family of Wines for just $99.99 per case!

But getting back to the topic at hand: people who are not rich heirs also need some tranquility, I assume, even the ones who live in small houses with spouses and children and dogs and cats. So, might I suggest investing in a pair of good noise-canceling headphones. Like these, from Kove. They’re Bluetooth. They’re comfortable. And most importantly, they let you block out all the sound so you can experience some true solitude.

Of course, you’re probably wondering: why would I help normal people? How does this benefit me? And so, I must remind you: I’m Todd Money. I get some money whenever anyone spends money.

Well, it’s cocktail hour here, so I must be going. We’re drinking a concoction called a volcano. It’s a rum drink that erupts out of the scale model of a Hawaiian volcano I had built in my backyard.

Toodles!