We’re not selling this deal anymore, but you can buy it at Amazon

Ion Audio Vinyl Motion Portable Suitcase Turntable

  • Powered by a built-in rechargeable battery so you can carry it everywhere for a record party anywhere
  • Or plug it into your larger stereo/speaker system via 3.5mm or RCA outputs
  • Or rip your records to MP3 with the included USB cable and ripping software
  • Runs for about nine hours on a charge for dancin’ all nite! (but don’t dance too hard because it might make the record needle skip)
  • Model: iT45 (if you were a senior citizen in Ireland, you could buy this iT45 turntable and an IT45 forklift tire with your IT45 tax credit, except we don’t ship to Ireland)
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Chewbacca is the new litmus.

You’ve pruned your friends list of the more abrasive political partisans, of the compulsive game-sharers, of the drama-vaguebookers and the exhibitionists and the crowdfunding spam-beggars. There’s just one more corrosive element to scrape away: the miserable, bitter assholes.

You know what we mean. The kind of sour joykillers who can’t even laugh at a lady and her ridiculous Chewbacca mask. Their reflexive negativity masquerades as courageous truth-telling when it’s really the most craven cowardice, their caustic cynicism a mask behind which they hide all vulnerability, all human feeling.

They criticize not to improve, but to drag you down into their murk, to ensure that nobody else has any more fun than they do, which is none. The one thing they hate the most is other people being happy. They have nothing to offer and even less to say. Get them off of your feed and out of your life.

Here’s how. Share this cool little suitcase turntable on Facebook with an innocuous invitation to comment, like “Hmm, looks interesting. What do you guys think?”

You’ll know who to purge by the tone and substance of the comments that follow. Anybody who says it seems stupid, who carps about the sound quality, who uses the term “hipster” - or, for that matter, anyone who can’t handle the sight of a suburban mom having a stupid laugh - unfriend, or at least unfollow. You won’t miss them. You don’t need them.

Trust us. If there’s one thing we’re experts in, it’s things you don’t need.

So far today...

  • 63047 of you visited.
  • 30% on a phone, 6% on a tablet.
  • 5539 clicked meh
  • on this deal.

And you bought...

  • 559 of these.
  • Deal ended .
  • That’s $20945 total.
  • (including shipping)

Who's buying this crap?

How many are you buying?