Easy Slice 5-Piece Knife Set
- 5 sexy, super sharp knives
- They’ve each got scalloped double serrated edges
- You move them back and forth
- They’re such simple machines
- You don’t have to use force
- Very grip-able handles
- See them in action here
- Model: ES-5PC, because they cut with the power of 5 personal computers; trust us, it makes sense
Chopped and Sliced
“Contestant James, please open your basket and tell us what you find inside.”
“Well, okay, first thing is a tomato. And another tomato. The third item… uhh… huh…”
“Contestant James?”
“It’s just another tomato. And another one. And another one. Oh, here’s something different!”
“Yes, Contestant James?”
“It’s a whole loaf of bread. Wait, there are… three loaves of bread, actually. Some potatoes. Also some onions.”
“Excellent. Thank you, Contestant James. We will put twenty minutes on the clock, starting–”
“Wait, hold on. Is there going to be a twist or something? Aren’t the items in the basket usually a little quirkier than this? Like, it’s not that hard to cook with bread and tomatoes.”
“Oh, I see what’s happening. You’re thinking of the show Chopped. But this is actually Chopped & Sliced. That’s why it’s just you and a basket full of various un-sliced, un-chopped items. You will be given twenty minutes to slice and chop everything in front of you.”
“And make a dish with it?”
“No.”
“What?”
“You just cut them, Contestant James. In twenty minutes. That way, contestants on our other cooking shows have pre-cut veggies.”
“And you air this?”
“Yes. It goes up at 2am on our Friendster page.”
“Okay, so you’re telling me that I’m going to cut a bunch of veggies and bread and stuff, for other people, I won’t get to cook anything, and you’re streaming it on a social media site that I’m pretty sure is defunct. Seriously, are there any reasons I shouldn’t just walk out of this studio right now?”
“Well, for starters, you get to use the Easy Slice 5-Piece Knife Set. These are premium knives we’re talking about, with no-slip golfball grip handles and razor sharp serrated edges.”
“Fine, I’ll admit it: these are very nice knives.”
“But also, Contestant James, if you complete the challenge in less than 20 minutes, you automatically earn a spot on Iron, Chef.”
“Whoa!”
“Oh, sorry. Let me be clear: you probably can’t hear it, but there’s a comma in there. It’s not Iron Chef, the cooking show featuring such culinary luminaries as Bobby Flay and Cat Cora. It’s Iron, Chef, which is our Pintrest Live show where you, a chef, are made to iron the aprons they wear on Iron Chef.”
“Okay, I’m out of here.”
“Ugh! That’s the fifth one who’s walked off this morning!”
