No orcs allowed.

Man, that virtual reality stuff is really something, right?

You strap that sucker on and the next thing you know you’re immersed in some crazy world that feels every bit as real as your own. Your wildest fantasies, close enough to touch. Basically, a sci-fi holodeck except you look stupid and might break the coffee table.

Yeah, this isn’t that. Not exactly, anyway.

It’s more like virtual reality for grownups.

With VR, maybe you turn it on to experience an enchanted fairyland where there are dragons to be slain and royal affections to be won. With today’s deal you turn it on to experience all the noise and agitation in your life shutting the fuck up for 15 minutes.

With VR, some weird lightsaber dance beat game.

With today’s deal, eye massage for migraines caused by your boss who has been doing video calls for 22 months and still forgets to unmute literally every time he speaks.

With VR? Deeply unsettling relationships with open source AI programmed to tell you how sexy you are.

Today’s deal? Gentle heat and pressure that gives you a physical sensation similar to hugging without you having to interact with anybody.

Okay, that last comparison might have some overlap.

But whatever.

The product literature on this makes some bold claims about activating critical pressure points identified by Chinese brain doctors or something, but all we know is that whatever is going on with this mechanical face-hugger, it feels super nice.

Can you wear it to browse the next Meh-rathon via augmented reality while you take a bath? You cannot.

Can you wear it to decompress for five minutes because you haven’t had enough spare time to get anywhere near taking a bath since 2015? Bingo.

It’s not virtual reality. It’s…managed reality.

Close your eyes and kick back for a change.

There are literally no orcs in there. No musical lightsabers, either.