This story is not worth your time.

Hi I’m Jason and my job today is to make you stop reading this. Because what’s good about it is - it’s cheap! But your time is valuable so the more of it you spend reading about this utterly unremarkable 27" monitor, the less cheap it is. K THX BYE!

Don’t read this paragraph either. As with the Philips Soundbar we sold a while back, it’s just not worth the time it would take you to parse every little feature and benefit. We believe in looking beyond the price tag to the “total cost of ownership” which goes up a little bit with every word you read. Like let’s say you make $25 an hour at your job and you read 300 words per minute. That means reading the phrases “ultrafast 5ms response time, 50,000,000:1 dynamic contrast ratio, and 1920 x 1080 resolution” adds 1.6 cents to the cost of this monitor.

So stop reading. It’s not worth it. You’re stealing money out of your own pocket. But you’re still reading. Why? What do I have to do to make you stop? Here’s a vivid image of a pristine slice of springy white Wonder Bread, with a gleaming butterknife carefully spreading human feces all over it. Did that do the trick?

Wut if oi ruhote thes entoyah sintince in eh bluhdy awfoe English accent? What if I kept quoting annoying songs to get stuck in your head like “honky tonk badonkadonk” or “I whip my hair back and forth”? What if I told you all about the fluid I once had drained from my swollen foot? It looked like if you poured some expired milk into a plastic bag full of Miller Lite.

Smelled kinda like it, too.

And you’re still here. You’re still reading. I’ve tried everything I can think of to repulse you. It all failed. I’ve failed. I’ve failed at the one job I had to do as a writer: to drive you away. I don’t deserve this job. It’s just one more great chance I’ve blown. I’m sorry I couldn’t do this right. I’m sorry I couldn’t do anything right. The only thing left to do now is end it. Like this.