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4-Pack: Deluxe Atomic Lighter Rechargeable Plasma Beam Lighters

  • They can light fires… with their minds.
  • By “minds,” we mean “dual electric arcs.”
  • In other words: no gas? No problem!
  • You can recharge them with a USB cable.
  • Model: 12363. According to a site called “USA zip code, postal code,” this is also the zip code of Farsta in Stockholm! Wait a minute…
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Fired Up For A Good Adventure Story

Dearest Rodrigo,

Once again, I must apologize for leaving you so long without knowledge of my whereabouts or well-being. Furthermore, I am truly sorry that I did not heed your many warnings concerning my latest undertaking.

It was just as you predicted in your last correspondence: the invitation from the elusive prince to go spelunking through the ancient caves–replete, he claimed, with stalagmites of pure gold–was a trap set by the notorious criminal Henri the Skull to avenge Sir Oliver, his cousin and childhood confident. I had barely stepped foot in the false prince’s villa (which I now know it is a property oft rented on the blackmarket to scoundrels such as Henri as a venue in which to carry out their nefarious plans) when the floor beneath me gave way.

I dropped some nearly thirty feet into a snake pit. My legs cried out in pain as I made contact with the ground, but luckily my mind remained lucid and clear. Thus, I was able to recall your splendid lesson on the ins-and-outs of reptilian pressure points and render each lunging snake unconscious with a single touch. These I then tied together into a rope of sorts, looped at the end, which I used to essentially lasso a light fixture in the room above. From there, I pulled myself out, fled to the local port, and escaped on a fishing vessel.

The captain said I could work for my passage at first, but after we’d left the port, he saw among my belongings the rope of snakes, many of which I must admit were handsome creatures, and demanded he be paid with them instead. His intention was to skin them and craft them into a matching hat and jacket set. My knowledge of snakes is much slimmer than yours, Rodrigo, but even I could tell that these were of a rare endangered species, and so I could not in good conscience hand them over.

When I told him as much, he ordered the crew upon me. They drew their swords and the fight began. I managed to hold them off with my barehands–as well as the ‘paralyzing stare’ trick shown to me by a renegade monk some years earlier–but in the scuffle, a lowly deckhand seized the snakes and delivered them to the captain. It was unfortunate timing; the snakes awoke that moment, untangled themselves, and soon the one-on-many melee had turned to each-man-for-himself pandemonium. The snakes, as it turned out, were as venomous as they were rare and beautiful.

This time, the scene was too frantic to use your stunning technique, so I hid in a steamer trunk until the ship–now rendered without crew by the slithering swarm–ran ashore. Once I was certain the snakes had all departed, I emerged and explored what turned out to be a desert island. There followed the usual progression: the building a small fortress, the discovery of a treasure, the planning of escape, the construction of a raft, etc. We’ve both been through this so many times that I won’t bore you with the details.

At any rate, I’m home now, and once again, I’m thinking of my hygiene. This time, rather than a shower, I think I’ll take a nice relaxing bath. Perhaps I shall even set out some scented candles, which I will light using one of my four Rechargeable Plasma Beam Lighters!

Until our next great adventure,
Gleg Tamperhorn

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