Do your worst, AwoX. Please.

Oh, man, it’s these remote-control LED bulbs with the built-in speakers again. We’ve given them away. We’ve sold them in two-packs. We’ve posted your ideas for how to use them. One of you has ripped them open, not once but twice. We even recorded some freaky audio for you to play through the speaker. Today we’re selling them in four-packs with two of each size. And we still can’t make these damn things interesting.

The problem isn’t that they’re shitty. It’s that they’re not shitty enough. If they were really ridiculously terrible, we could blare a banner headline like SHITTIEST PRODUCT OF ALL TIMES!! DO NOT BUY!! and get some juice that way. But no, they’re just useful and well-made enough to disappoint retail rubber-neckers, too.

Step up to the plate and whiff, AwoX. Screw this StriimLIGHT up real bad so we can make fun of it. That name is a good (bad) start, but we expect the next iteration to include these features:

• The included remote doesn’t control your bulb. It controls another random AwoX StriimLIGHT somewhere else in the world. And some other random person controls yours.
• All spoken audio is converted into “pirate” like that shit is still funny.
• Lightbulb has three modes: Regular, Roasting, and Radioactive, all marked “R” on the remote.
• Light flashes and alarm sounds every time one of your Facebook friends posts about the presidential election.
• Make the bigger one even bigger, so it fits into even fewer light fixtures.
• “Maintenance Assistant” robo-calls you every 15 minutes to make sure your StriimLIGHT is working properly.
• Black mold. Just black mold all over everything.

See how much more fun that is than “remote control LED bulbs with built-in speakers you may or may not use”? Stop aiming for mere utility and lower your sights to product-disaster immortality. Legendarily shitty products aren’t made - they’re made terribly.