3-Pack: Unsimply Stitched Men's Dress Socks

  • 3 pairs of socks, which is about 6 socks but somebody should check that math
  • Choose from 6 different design combinations, one of which will give you nightmares (can you find it?)
  • 80% Combed Cotton 3% Spandex, and 17% Polymide (Greek for “many mides”)
  • Men’s size 8-12, though we don’t believe in labels
  • Model: UNST3PCK (You know you’re dealing with an industry disruptor when they use model numbers that make sense)
see more product specs

Some Things You Always Need

“We’re out of butter, did you pick any up at Ralph’s?”

“Shoot, I didn’t. I wasn’t sure we needed it.”

“We always need it. Butter is like socks.”

“It … is?”

“Yeah, it’s a nonperishable consumable.”

“You consume your socks?”

“When in doubt, always buy butter. Why? Because you will need it eventually and it doesn’t go bad, especially if you freeze it.”

“I still don’t follow. You freeze your socks?”

“That doesn’t sound like a terrible idea on a hot day, but no. You’ll eventually eat all the butter and wear through all your socks, right?”

“Yes, except my chain mail socks.”

“Right. So if you ever see some cool socks, or even some garish socks at a great price on a daily deals site, you needn’t bother worrying about whether you should buy them. You should. You will need them eventually.”

“What if my sock drawer is full? Or in danger of buckling under the weight of chain mail?”

“Then put them in our attic. Or storage unit. Or survival bunker.”

“You think I’ll need socks when the global financial system collapses and we’re forced to survive in my heavily protected underground lair?”

“No, but I don’t think the global financial system is going to collapse, which means that bunker you built is better suited for sock storage.”

“Oh my god, of course!”


“We won’t need fancy socks in the Dark Days, you’re right.”

“I know I am.”

“We’ll need … chainmail socks!”

“But --”

“I’ll transfer them now.”

“-- We still need butter.”

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