Real Talk

Bluetech Emergency LED Flashlights with motion detection, what is going on with you? You’re useful. You’re helpful. You’re even sort of marginally attractive, in a Brookstone-personal-care-item kind of way. Just be yourself and people will like you.

The way you can hang out in your docking station a-chargin’ up until needed? Anyone who’s been caught with a flashlight full of dead batteries can appreciate that. And the way you light up during a power failure? No one who’s ever rummaged in perfect darkness for a torch will need the benefit of that feature explained. And your motion-sensor capabilities? Well, let’s just say it looks like a whole lot more 2AM urinations will be finding the bowl.

You’ve got a lot to offer, Bluetech Emergency LED Flashlights with motion detection. You’ve got to have confidence in who you are. Don’t make a big, forced, overeager show of self-promotion. Just let people know what you can do. They’ll want to have you around.

Which brings us to the photo. Let’s talk about this picture, Bluetech Emergency LED Flashlights with motion detection:

Now, we’re no strangers to goofy, Photoshopped product photos ourselves. But when we do it, the point is to have a little fun. (A very little, but still.) This… this just seems desperate, Bluetech Emergency LED Flashlights with motion detection.

We gather it’s meant to showcase your suitability as a reading light. Do you make a good reading light? Sure, probably. For those of us who plop our phones on our chests to read by the flashlight app, you probably seem like a huge reading light upgrade. But this woman is not reading by your glow. She’s shining you right in her own goddamned face. What?

But no, it’s OK, you’re not actually bothering her. Because it’s embarrassingly obvious you are not even really there. (Whoever pasted this image together is probably not destined for the inside career track at ILM.)

But no, it’s OK, she wouldn’t have been able to read that book anyway. It appears to be printed backward? Holy Moses, Bluetech Emergency LED Flashlights with motion detection, this photo is a straight-up disaster.

Think of it like this, Bluetech Emergency LED Flashlights with motion detection: What would your reaction be if you were on a popular internet dating site or mobile app, and you saw a photo of a potential suitor that he had crudely edited to make it look like he had his arm around Gal Gadot? Would you think “wow, even though I can tell it’s not real, I can’t help but think of him now as the sort of guy who would merit a date with Wonder Woman”? Or would you think “ick, loser”?

Right.

You gotta be authentic, Bluetech Emergency LED Flashlights with motion detection. We’re only telling you this because we love you, and we want to see you get out there and succeed.

Because you really can’t live in our warehouse anymore. We said “crash for a while”; it’s been weeks.