2-for-Tuesday: Pick 2 Milan Handbags
- Picking the right handbag is hard.
- That’s why we’re letting you pick two handbags.
- Plus, each one comes with a crossbody strap and a wristlet strap, doubling the ways you can carry one.
- All of this ups your chances of picking the right handbag by 3000%.
- Don’t argue with that. Math is math.
- Model: MM5739, MM5789
A Sign From The Stars
It has come to our attention that another ecommerce site offers horoscopes. Sorry, not just normal horoscopes, but horoscopes that help people decide what to buy… from them. We couldn’t believe it: such a desperate money-grab move dressed up in the mystical pseudo-science of astrology in order to better prey upon people so vulnerable that the idea of their birth date dictating every detail of their life is a comfort, not the dizzyingly terrifying stuff of nightmares.
Sorry, we should clarify: we absolutely COULD believe all that. What we couldn’t believe is that we somehow didn’t think of it first! But you know what they say, better late than never. So, here it is, our first ever edition of Mehriscopes, wherein our astrological expert Harney Caralarm tells you what to buy on Meh, based on your zodiac sign!
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
As an Aries, you like to look good. And as Aries, you’re not super patient. Therefore, when it comes to buying handbags, you need style, but you also need a backup in case the first one you buy doesn’t work out. Thus, you should partake in Meh’s Pick Two Milan Handbags sale today!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Yes, it was only for about a year that you were replaced by the arrogantly named 500. Your little brother, the Fiesta, suffered much worse: a North American exile that lasted nearly three decades. And the Escort–the smaller version of you, in many ways–went away and never came back. Your suffering is nothing compared to theirs. But still, those months away hurt you. They left you nervous and indecisive. You want to feel valued again, to feel fashionable, but you’re too callous to commit to any one thing. Thus, you should partake in Meh’s Pick Two Milan Handbags sale today!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Something something Gemini something something twins something something two things that are identical something something but not always identical. Thus, you should partake in Meh’s Pick Two Milan Handbags sale today!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will be walking past an alley. Turning, you will see a dog standing at the end of it. It will speak to you, not in words, but in a language only the two of you can understand. “You need handbags, or else terrible consequences shall befall you,” the dog will say. Thus, you should partake in Meh’s Pick Two Milan Handbags sale today!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Remember that Leonardo DiCaprio movie, Blood Diamonds? Man, diamonds sure are a status symbol! As are handbags! Thus, you should partake in Meh’s Pick Two Milan Handbags sale today!
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
According to Astrofame, Virgos are “often very analytical and systematic; a real mixture of intelligence and logic.” If you fit this assessment, it’s likely that you don’t believe in astrology. Then again, wouldn’t the possession of such intelligence and logic required to disavow astrology also prove your astrological sign to be accurate? This is a toughie. You know what’s not a toughie? Shopping! Thus, you should partake in Meh’s Pick Two Milan Handbags sale today!
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
The moon has entered a new house of lunar knowledge or some shit. Thus, you should partake in Meh’s Pick Two Milan Handbags sale today!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Know what stings worse than a scorpion? The fear of missing out on a great deal. Thus, you should partake in Meh’s Pick Two Milan Handbags sale today!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
As a Sagittarius, you’re constantly excited, constantly energized, constantly on the hunt for true happiness. So, in a way, you could say you’re too sagit to quit? No, you can’t have that. That is ours. What you can have, in exchangge for some money, are these handbags. Thus, you should partake in Meh’s Pick Two Milan Handbags sale today!
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
In the bag of juice that is life, there are many surprises. Some will disappoint you: like a failed friendship. Others will excite you: like a great deal on handbags. Thus, you should partake in Meh’s Pick Two Milan Handbags sale today!
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Let the sunshine, let the sunshine in, the sunshine in… to your bedroom. It’s time to get up, check your favorite deal-a-day site, and buy whatever they’re selling. Thus, you should partake in Meh’s Pick Two Milan Handbags sale today!
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Seriously? These other people are lions and bulls and gods, and you’re repped by a fucking fish?! That’s some bullshit, bruh. You gotta treat yourself. Thus, you should partake in Meh’s Pick Two Milan Handbags sale today!
By selling one thing each day, it doesn’t exactly lead to much variety. But seriously, Harney read the stars and this is what she came up with, okay? Disbelieve at your own risk!
