2-for-Tuesday: Maroo ICE Collection Earphones for Women
- These things are designed for lady ears. But they have five tip sizes, which makes me think they might fit ladly ears as well. But no promises.
- Has an in-line mic that you are almost certainly never going to use.
- THEY ARE BEDAZZLED WITH QUALITY CUT “NAME-BRAND” (???) CRYSTALS.
- Rich bass and crisp highs guarantees you get every subtle note of your favorite podcast host’s raspy laughter.
- Model: MA-EP8001, because they got a Master’s Degree in helping you get down.
An Ear For An Ear
'Twas poor and destitute Henry the Huge’s birthday, and so his wife, Sadie the Slight, was waiting for him, sitting on the floor of their barren single-room apartment, when he arrived home from the sulfur factory. “I have a gift for you, my love,” she said.
“Sadie, you shan’t have felt the need to do such a thing,” Henry said, taking a seat on the floor next to her. “But wherefore is it? We have no furniture to hide it behind!”
“'Tis a song,” she said, “that I wrote just for you.”
“Just for me?” Henry exclaimed. “But, Sadie, we don’t even own a guitar!”
“I rented one from the bank for one hour using the nickel made shining a dastardly lawyer’s hubcaps,” Sadie said. She took a cassette from the pocket of her coat. “And then I recorded a tape. I want you to hear it this instant. Here, use my ICE Collection bejeweled earphones. With their full range of sound, featuring rich bass and crisp clear highs, 'twill sound as though I were singing it directly to you!”
But Henry only looked at the earphones and began to weep. “Oh, Sadie,” he cried. “None of their five tip sizes will work for me as they are optimized for women! They are destined to be lost in the gargantuan caverns of my so incredibly manly ears! And thus I shan’t have a chance to listen to your song, which I’m sure is sweet as the truffles I sold my left pinkie to buy you last Valentine’s Day.”
And now Sadie wept too, for it was true! The earphones were optimized for women’s ears.
That night, both man and wife suffered a fitful sleep, as they each made plans to rectify the tragic situation.
The next day, when Henry the Huge returned home, bandages adorned his head, covering all the way down past his ears.
“Oh no!” Sadie had to shout to be heard through all the layers of gauze. “Did you hit your enormous head on one of the pipes again?”
“No,” Henry said. “It is nothing like that. But these bandages shan’t be removed for many weeks, at which time, you will know what I have done to deserve them.”
“Several weeks with your ears covered? But that’s terrible news! For I have today exchanged my ICE Collection bejeweled earphones and several of my grandmother’s antique rings in exchange for headphones that can fit 'pon your massive ears!”
Henry’s giant eyes went wide. “But Sadie, no! Say it is a lie, please! For what these bandages hide are the ears of a small woman, purchased and sewn to my head after I sold my own ears to a medical practitioner of questionable morals. Again, like ships of despair, we’ve missed each other in the darkest nights!”
“But fear not, my love,” Sadie said. “For I purchased my ICE Collection bejeweled earphones as a two-for-Tuesday deal on Meh.com. So I have another set!”
“By George, that’s amazing news, and so opposite of what I expected! I will hear your song after all!”
The two embraced, a difficult task, considering their size discrepancy.
“Oh, Sadie!” Henry said.
“Oh, Henry!” Sadie replied.
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