This job is too important to be left to a frog.

Hey puddle-for-brains! Knock the water out of your ears and listen up! Champ Watersensor here with a message for all you drips who thought you could rely on a cartoon frog to protect your valuable property from the scourge of unwanted water.

Sure, LeakFrog was fun when it was under ten bucks, a gag gift that maybe, MAYBE had a practical use. But now they’re 20 BUCKS! That’s serious-equipment pricing. The people who started the whole LeakFrog craze back in 2007 can’t even afford to sell them anymore.

Anyway, have you SEEN what water can do? To buildings? To furniture? To HUMAN BEINGS? Do you have any IDEA of the devastation that water’s relentless persistence and remorseless fury can wreak? Do you think it covered 70% of the Earth’s surface by being SCARED of some bleeping [bleep]ing FROG?

“But LeakFrog is so cuuuute.” You idiot. You IDIOT. You want cute, search YouTube for “baby pygmy hippo”. You want to protect the foundation of your home from rotting away, don’t send a cartoon character to do a machine’s job.

Champ Watersensor doesn’t have big round eyes and a dopey grin. I’m a brutally simple white box. I detect water. I sound an alarm. That’s it. I’m built to win the war against the aqueous scourge, not to win your heart with my lovable chubby cheeks.

But why would LeakFrog want to gain your trust, take a place in your home, subvert your natural human aversion to cold-blooded creatures? Well, ask yourself this: where do you usually find frogs? That’s right: in or near water. They LOVE the stuff! Maybe our green-domed friend isn’t as stupid as he looks. Maybe he’s a double agent, a fifth columnist, a deep-cover saboteur working FOR water! He’s water’s man on the inside! Maybe we should start calling him LeakMOLE!

All I know is, when the Big Leak hits, there are going to be two kinds of people: those snuggled safe in their dry Champ Watersensor-protected homes, and the waterlogged slaves of frog masters. Buy me. Deploy me. Trust me. Or someday, your frog overlords will discover how much YOUR legs taste like chicken!