We're gonna need a bigger... couch, maybe?

Man, I wish we’d get something exciting to write about… if I see another Bluetooth speaker, I’m sending a resume to Groupon… Hey, whoa! Shark Rocket! This sounds like fun. And check out these Google Image Search results! I hope it’s one of these:

Oh, hey, here are the specs. Let’s see what it’s all about!

The power of the Shark Rocket

Yes! The POWER of the Shark Rocket! More, please!

is now available in a convenient, ultra-lightweight, handheld only design

OK, sounds good, so it’s like a rocket launcher, or

for all your quick cleaning needs!

Your… cleaning needs? Really? The Shark Rocket… cleans things?

With Never Loses Suction Technology, the Shark Rocket is up to any task.

Any task? Like, biting a boat in half, maybe?

The extra-long-reach stretching hose connects the hand vac to cleaning tools for ultimate control and for reaching tight spaces.

Guess not. Looks like we’re talking about a vacuum cleaner. Cool.

A 15-foot power cord means you never have to recharge, while giving you the freedom to clean the whole room.

Yeah, fine. It’s got a cord. Guess why that’s the reviews rave about how it’s so powerful - for a vacuum cleaner, that is. Not for an actual shark or an actual rocket.

Plus, the motorized hand tool extracts pet hair, dirt, dust, and allergens from deep inside upholstery.

That’s… kind of sharklike, maybe? Like, it’s really ruthless to pet hair? No. I’m really reaching here.

This set also includes the crevice tool and dusting brush.

Said nobody about a shark or rocket ever.

For a handheld vacuum with the power of the full sized model,

OK, name aside, that actually sounds pretty good, and those reviews… I guess this is a pretty decent product…

get the Shark Rocket Corded Hand Vac.

That name again! If they wouldn’t keep reminding me, I wouldn’t keep getting my hopes up! Well, I guess riffing on the name is out. Now I have to figure out some easy crutch for writing a story while getting the main selling points of the product across. Hmm…