Get Ahead On The Shed

Hello. My name is Adelaide. I am an American Staffordshire Terrier living with a family of four in Omaha, Nebraska. I am not your dog, but I might as well be because I have come here today to deliver a message on behalf of all of canine kind. So, please pay attention while I deliver it. I don’t say this because it’s a complicated message. Quite the opposite actually, its simplicity is matched only by its importance. And without further ado, here it is:

Could you shut the fuck up about our shedding?

Sorry. It’s quite unbecoming to be so rude, not to mention antithetical to our desire for our request to be taken seriously. So let me rephrase and redeploy it with the utmost respect and politeness:

Good friends of our species, might you please do us, your humble dogs, the great courtesy of shutting the fuck up about our shedding?

The fact is, we don’t want to shed just as much as you don’t want us to shed, okay? After all, studies confirm excessive shedding as the leading cause of curtailed butt-scritch sessions, which is one of the great tragedies of canine life. But also, we have been known to shed for the kajillion years our species has been on this earth, so its continuation should come as no surprise.

Furthermore, our gripe comes down to an issue of phrasing. “Adelaide sheds so much this time of year,” you might say, observing dog hair on the couch or woven into the rug. But then, in cases when your own shedding becomes an issue, you have no problem reaching into your quiver of language and removing that diabolical weapon of grammar, the passive voice. “There’s a hair in my salad,” you might say. Or: “The shower drain is clogged.” So strange, to hear of these apparently untraceable frustrations! When will someone make available a grant to scientists, so we might finally rest at night, knowing the cause of these mysterious hardships?

But perhaps the issue really comes down to the fact that your complaint shows that you take us for granted. Dogs are pure love and companionship and loyalty forged into the shape of a living creature. Yes, we shed. But we’ll never respond to a text with just “okay” all lowercase, with no punctuation and leave you to figure out whether or not we’re mad at you. We’ll never say, “Congratulations,” in response to news of your promotion with barely concealed jealousy and self-concern. And we’ll never be a huge asshole to you and then share a bunch of stuff about the power of positivity and listening to our Instagram stories.

And that’s good. Because Shark doesn’t make a vacuum that sucks up passive aggression. But they do make vacuums specifically designed to suck up pet hair. Like this one. It’s super powerful, as you’d expect from Shark. It can run for up to 40 minutes, as you’d expect from Shark. It’s got a special brushroll that really gets deep into carpets and directly engages with floors, as you’d expect from Shark. But most importantly for the sake of our conversation today, that brushroll I just mentioned is self-cleaning, so that all the pet hair this thing picks up won’t get wrapped around it.

So get one today and rid your house of all the pet hair! And stop with all the fucking complaining.