Do NOT use this to seal your rivals.

“Rival” is the brand name, not a description of what you can seal. For one thing, you’ll have trouble finding sealer bags big enough for your rivals, unless your rivals are the size of rodents. But the logistics aren’t really the problem with the idea.

It’s just wrong to seal up your enemies in airtight plastic.

There’s lots of other good things you could seal. You could seal food to keep it fresh. You could seal up your fine silver to keep it from corroding. You could seal clothes to keep the moths away. You could seal up your weed to thwart the drug dogs at the airport.

You could seal up your comics to keep your little brother from dripping melting Dreamsicle all over them, like he did to that one where Spider-Man gets married. So what if he’s 34 now? He’s a still a messy eater. Here’s a weirdo who “vacuum-packs Broco exothermic cutting rods and underwater welding electrodes”. So, uh, yeah.

You can pack just about anything EXCEPT those who have wronged you in some way.

We know, we know, the phrase “Rival Vacuum Sealer” immediately brings to mind satisfying images of your enemies encased in clear plastic, struggling for breath, their eyes wild with the awful realization of their imminent doom. It’s only natural.

But this Rival sealer is for preservation, not destruction. Not even destruction of people who are objectively evil. That would be wrong. Maybe not that wrong, depending on what they’ve done. Maybe it would be even be justice. But still, like, you know, wrong. Right?