Pulse Massager Mini II

  • Transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation to zap your aches and pains into the Phantom Zone
  • Six massage modes (including “Tapping” and “Scraping”, which MUST be more relaxing than they sound), 20 strength levels, and an adjustable timer
  • Includes two pairs of adhesive pads that are good for a couple of months of use, and a five year warranty if you decide to buy more
  • “Pulse massage” sounds a lot nicer than “shock treatment”
  • Model: AMAS06 (isn’t that the Spanish word for love? and we’re confused by that 0 - or is it an O?)
see more product specs

At last, a problem you can electrocute.

Wouldn’t it be nice if every obstacle, every discomfort, every annoyance in life could just be zapped aside with a bolt of voltage? If you could just call down a lightning strike from the Heavens to smite the forces of aggravation?

Some numbskull is driving ten miles an hour under the speed limit in the left lane? BZZZT! You’re free to pass.

Lanyard-bedecked tech bros are walking five abreast across the sidewalk like Spring Break and Lunch Break are the same thing, while you’re just trying to get a sandwich to take back to your desk. ZZZZAP! The way is clear.

There’s a hair in your mouth (is that a hair?) yeah back by your throat you can kinda feel it with your tongue (did you get it?) no there it is you didn’t get it you jab around with your finger YOU STILL CAN’T GET IT OH MY GOD THIS FUCKING HAIR GZZZZZ! Gone.

Yes, what a wonderland of civility and comfort such a world would be. Fortunately, there is one problem you can electro-shock into submission: your aches and pains.

It’s called transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation (TENS) and we’ve sold other such massagers before. This one is the same basic deal: it sends pulses of electricity into your to chase away the demons of discomfort. This one kicks all the others’ asses at naming its six massage modes, though. We present Pushing, Acupuncture, Tapping, Scraping, Cupping and Random, the six dwarves of the electropocalypse.


We know how all this sounds, but it appears that TENS is actually not bullshit. As long as you don’t do anything obviously stupid like put the adhesive electro-pads on your eyelids or your pregnant belly, you should feel better after you use it. But of course, not as good as you would feel zapping those tech bros out of your way.

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