The Mehliad

Chapter 1
Name’s Dan. Dan Fogelberg. No relation. If it helps though, I guess you could visualize the other Dan Fogelberg throughout this story. That might add some comedic value.

My dad had a pretty sweet condo outside of Dallas. I was obviously his favorite kid, which makes sense if you get to know me. He sent me to college, but it just wasn’t really my thing, y’know? I had too much of an entrepreneurial spirit. And classes before 3pm are bullshit.

So I took up a sort of “internship” with this old eccentric dude, a real Mr. Wing type, who told me the ancient hidden secrets of business: buy up cheap shit, and sell it for slightly less cheap. Real business tycoon stuff, y’know? But eventually it got to his head. It became less about selling junk and more about making a shit ton of money. I started to drift away from his influence.

So one night while we were on our way to some warehouse to pick up a truckload of broken iPhone speaker docks when a storm separated us. I assume. I asked to stop and use the shitter at the rest area outside Bigfoot and when I came out my “mentor” was gone. Whatever. I figured NBD, I can catch a snooze until he comes back right? So I head back to the men’s room to get out of the rain and lie down on the floor to take a nap.

Next thing I knew, I could feel hands patting me down. And not in the good way you’d expect from a rest stop men’s room. I opened my eyes and tried to get up off the floor, but I couldn’t move! I was tied down, and someone was going through my pockets looking for my wallet. Joke’s on them because the chain means it’s not leaving my side, but still.

“Knock it off!” I yelled.

“Oh shit, he’s awake,” said a high-pitched, scruffy voice. “We thought you were dead, dude. You look dead.”

“Who are you? Where am I? Why can’t I move?”

“Well, I’m Geoff. And you’re in hell, dude.” My heart started racing and I yelped. “Nah, just fuckin’ with ya. You’re in Monolito!” Geoff had a glimmer in his eye, but not the good kind. It was the “I know something you don’t” kind. He was small, impish even. With his hair combed straight back in that weird greasy style that you can’t wear any more for fear of looking like the type of guy who has a Pepe the Frog avatar.

“What the hell is that?”

“You…you haven’t heard of Monolito? Monolito’s the whole world, man. We’re in Nasteria, the most technologically advanced nation on the planet. Everyone is linked with these little chips in our heads, and we can access all knowledge instantly.”

“Holy shit,” I said flatly.

“Yeah. It’s rad. You’re gonna love it!” He started dragging me out of the restroom. I offered a silent prayer that the dampness spreading on my back was sweat.

“I don’t think I want-”

“Dude, you don’t think you want instant access to the whole of human knowledge and experience? Don’t be stupid. Besides, I already installed your chip while you were passed out.”

“What? Why would you do that?”

“Because you accepted the end user agreement.”

“I did?”

“Yep. I said, ‘Say anything if you do not agree to the terms,’ and you just laid there.”

“That’s not cool, man. How could I have known I was agreeing to that?”

“Relax,” he sighed as he smiled lazily at me, “it’s just one of those things about the world now, like a non-functioning government and natural disasters and identity fraud. It’s easier to just not think about this stuff and hope it doesn’t happen to you.”

“Man, this is like an episode of-”

“Black Mirror, the hit scifi dystopian nightmare available for streaming now on Netflix?”

“I was gonna say The Twilight Zone, but sure. I guess,” I muttered as I looked around. “How do I get home?”

“Home?” Geoff looked genuinely confused. “Why would you want to go home?”