Make that Signor Coffee.

You youngsters could learn a thing or two from me. I’m Mr. Coffee and I’ve seen it all in my day. I was brewing coffee for Joe DiMaggio back when a “coffee shop” was a place where waitresses wore little hats.

You ever had coffee from a percolator? Metal pot with a little glass nub on the top? It’s terrible. Runs boiling water up and over the grounds, then back down, over and over. Always tastes burnt. And that’s how everybody used to drink coffee. Can you imagine?

No, you probably can’t. You can thank me for that. Once I came on the scene in the '70s, boy, drip coffee was where it was at. I was the new thing. The new hip way to drink coffee. Smooth. Sophisticated. Modern. I had it made, sister, let me tell you. I thought I’d always be on top.

Then along came this thing called espresso. From Italy. Like Gina Lollobrigida. And believe me, it’ll get your heart pumping, too. But I didn’t give it a second thought. What did I have to fear from some funny little cups of coffee from Italy? I’m Mr. Coffee, dammit.

Well, now here we are. I’m yesterday’s news. Drip coffee isn’t the thing anymore. The kids want espresso, or cappuccinos, or mochas, or some goofy thing where they pay the guy five, six bucks to pour hot water over some beans. And they’re laughing at me? What’s the world coming to? Tell you the truth, I got pretty down about it for a while. Thought about saying “screw it”. Get a place down in Florida, play a little golf, you know.

But this old dog’s got a few new tricks up his sleeve. Can you believe those Italians want five hundred bucks for an espresso machine? I thought, hey, wait a minute here. I could undersell those guys and get a piece of this espresso action. Get back in the game. Show these MTV kids that ol’ Mr. Coffee can hippity-hop with the best of them.

So here it is. My Mr. Coffee Espresso Maker. You steam it up, you froth the milk, the whole bit. You Italians thought you put me out to pasture? Well, look out, because Mr. Coffee’s gonna beat you at your own game. And that price tag won’t make you say “Mamma mia!”