No baby required.

Babies get all the good stuff. Their own special beds. Their own elaborate chairs. If you or I tried wearing those comfy, cozy one-piece sleepers and eating those delicious pureed fruits, society would consider us mentally ill. And that’s before we even get to their complete freedom from toilets.

So we’re taking a stand with this so-called “baby” monitor. It’s not a baby monitor. It’s an anything monitor.

Got kids who are 4, 5, 6, but also need monitoring? It’s a Kid Monitor. Expecting a package while you’re off working in a distant part of the house? It’s a UPS Monitor. Trying to get to the bottom of which cat keeps scratching up your couch? It’s a Cat Monitor. Waiting for a pizza but trying to dodge a subpoena? It’s a Pizza-and-Process-Server Monitor.

Why not? There’s nothing about the technology that excludes it from monitoring everything else. It’s not as if babies are some kind of reverse vampires who are the only people that show up on the full-color 2.4" LCD. It’s not like the 2.4GHz wireless technology can only transmit the sounds of crying or babbling. Even the touchless thermometer isn’t limited to measuring baby formula temperature. Grown-ups have sensitive mouths, too.

The ride ends here, babies. Crawl down off that pedestal. You’re welcome to share in the Motorola Anything Monitor’s features with the rest of us, but as for your special status-

Oh, who are we kidding? Thanks to the one guy out there who bought this for his cats. Obviously, these are baby monitors. Those of you with babies, please buy them. The children are our future and all that. Thanks.