Clean Your Shit

Welcome to Fix Your Shit Weekend, your chance to, well…you get it. We’re talking two days of doing our level best to help you reclaim your bowel health. It might not be our best idea, but it’s definitely number two.

Full disclosure: you’re about to hear some shit. And if you don’t care for hearing shit, either because feces make you squeamish or because you long for the days of more sophisticated discourse playing out through the sanctified power of the written word, then well…tough shit.

But we’re saying this shit because you need to hear this shit. After all, for some reason, despite overwhelming evidence overseas plus no shortage of bidetvangelists here on the forum and in other colorful corners of the internet, you’re still…

You’re cleaning up using—

It’s disposable paper and sometimes your finger pokes—

You know what you do, okay? It’s disgusting.

It doesn’t matter if you buy the really thick four-ply stuff or if you meticulously fold your TP into a thick pad like you’re about to field dress a bullet wound. I don’t care if you actively manage your bowel traffic so that you only need to shit once a day at a time that allows you to move right from the toilet to the shower.

It’s all irrelevant.

Because, as previously implied: you’re super gross and we’re sick of your shit.

The solution is very much right in front of you and it represents an absolute sweet spot when it comes to technology that douses your nether regions with clean water.

The seat itself? Heated.

The water? Also heated.

The spray? Easily controlled.

And other than that? Nothing, really. It’s just an excellent, premium, no-nonsense bidet that will expertly clean your shit (not to mention anything else you might have clinging to relevance back there).

This is one of those deals that really makes us feel like we’re doing some good in the world.

And do you know what? That’s some good shit.

P.S. Did you notice that this is from Moen? That’s super legit. This is a proper piece of bathroom hardware, not some no-name brand that’s trying to be edgy with plastic junk and a name like Butt Gargler 2000 or whatever. (We sold out of those.)