Clean and Simple

The other day, we sold a little stool for straightening your rectum while you do your business, allowing for full bowel evacuation.

Today, we’re selling a bidet to really clean up after said evacuation.

Maybe in the next couple weeks we should offer some toilet bowl cleaner and Poo Pourri. That way, you can destroy all evidence that you ever defecated in the first place.

But that’s for another time.

Today, we want to tell you about this bidet. And by ‘we,’ we mean Jeff from Amazon. No, not that Jeff from Amazon. We mean the user who left this 5-star review for the one we’re selling today. You see, we really like the cut of Jeff’s jib. Check it out:

This is specifically for the EB800 model: Once you start adding control panels and wireless remotes and blow dryers these things start getting absurdly complicated and don’t last. I was happy to find one that was heated water and seat only. The price premium is worth it over vowel-soup amazon brands. The attachment mechanism is the best and most secure I’ve seen on any toilet seat.

No vowel-soup brands for cleaning up after making a little bowel soup, amirite?

Wow, we are so sorry. That’s disgusting.

But seriously, isn’t that what it’s all about, just like Jeff says?

A bidet is a thing that sprays water into your butt. It shouldn’t have more than a button or two, and its features should be limited to the essentials only.

Like this thing.

Is the seat comfortable and warm to sit on? Yes. Does the cleaning spritz come out at a nice temperature that won’t send you into shock? Yes. Is there an app to control it from your phone? Don’t think so. Can you program the temperature and pressure preferences for multiple family members? Doubt it.

Because the last thing you want is to be unable to clean your bottom because your wifi is down or some data got corrupted.

But, in the interest of full disclosure, we should say Jeff has one complaint regarding the manual:

It covers multiple models but doesn’t actually say that it does. The manual tells you both that it has and does not have a heated seat, and tells you the heat has “4 gears” meaning four settings. Very silly.

Unfortunately, I have to disagree with Jeff here. As an enjoyer of surrealist, Kafkaesque literature, this manual sounds rad as fuck! But point taken on its impracticality.

Oh, and did we mention that we’re selling it for about $100 less than Amazon’s price? Because we’re selling it for about $100 less than Amazon’s price.

So buy this bidet and enjoy a delightfully clean ass.