Kill Black Friday before it kills us.

Black Friday is the worst. Take the worst spoiled milk you’ve ever smelled, spread its rancid curds over an entire continent for an entire day, blast its fumes through the tubes of the Internet, punch yourself in the throat eight times, and max out all your credit cards. That’s Black Friday. Black Friday is spiritual ebola. Don’t thank God for this Friday. Blame Satan.

Look at what Black Friday does to people. It’s not just the tramplings and the shootings. It’s the whining and the grasping and the disappointment, so much aggro and angst over such meager rewards. It’s like one of those diabolically constructed Stanford psych lab experiment from the '60s that proves that people are, at heart, sociopathic fascist gorillas.

Look at what Black Friday does to us. We can’t just do what we do every day: sell stuff for less than anybody else. On this one day, that’s not good enough. We have to compete with unrealistic expectations that no discount, anywhere, could possibly meet. Because it’s not about the discount. It’s about filling some void in people’s souls, some ecstatic experience that’s always one more click, one more coupon code, one more turn of the sale paper away.

Is there any way to resist Black Friday? The Cards Against Humanity guys have it nailed. They blow off Black Friday with stunts like raising the price of their game, or selling people actual bullshit. No doubt they’re doing something brilliant right now - check their Twitter or Max Temkin’s for details, probably. Just yesterday in this space, we suggested their Black Frijinks as a possible topic of Thanksgiving conversation. Cards Against Humanity treats Black Friday with the spittle-flecked contempt that it deserves, and they should all be awarded the Congressional Medal of Fuck Yeah for their service.

Of course, they can afford to do that. Their brilliant idea makes them a living year in, year out. Our brilliant idea means we can rarely afford to piss away a day of revenue to make a statement. So we’re backed into playing ball. The most we can do is create a board game to play out our impotent rage.

Fine, then. Here’s your gloppy helping of consumer gruel. It’s a smartwatch. That’s the latest useless bauble we’ve been commanded to salivate over, so get those glands a-pumping. We’re selling it cheaper than it’s ever been sold for before. And it’s a great take on what people use a smartwatch for, as we said the last time we sold it.

Woo-dash-hoo. There’s your Black Friday deal. We’re playing the game. We have no choice. Or maybe we do have a choice and we’re just cowards. That’s what Black Friday does. It reduces us all to the smallest, lowest, least versions of ourselves. It takes 90% off of our souls.

For those of you boycotting the crass parade of puke called Black Friday, good for you. Don’t buy anything from us or anywhere else. For the rest of you, uh, wanna buy a watch?