You know why I'm here.

Everybody says the JBL OnBeat Mini is such a difficult guy. But we saw his natural charm shine through when he took the podium for his league-mandated Speaker Dock Friday media appearance. Let’s go to the press room!

How are you feeling about the big sale today? Any predictions?

You know why I’m here.

Your critics are saying that speaker docks like you are outdated, clunky, even useless, asking why anyone would set their phone or tablet on a speaker to listen to it when they could just get a Bluetooth speaker. But don’t you think you’re a good cheap speaker to take to the beach, camping, out by the pool, or to the park?

You know why I’m here.

Obviously, you’re designed for iPad, but your dock is compatible with any Lightning-connector iPhone or iPod, too. And with the aux-in for audio and USB charging port, you can also play and charge Android devices, MP3 players, whatever. What’s your response to detractors who say you’re a one-trick iPad pony?

You know why I’m here.

Some of us have trouble believing that a speaker dock has a rechargeable battery with an 8-hour battery life. 8 hours - that’s pretty unbelievable. What’s your secret?

You know why I’m here.

We know how you feel about the media and the league, but don’t you think it’s disrespectful to your fans to not use this opportunity to send a message to them?

They know why I’m here.

I notice once again you’ve worn an unauthorized hat. What horrible flaw in the soul of an organization, or indeed a human being, leads them to enforce the concept of an “authorized hat”?

You know why I’m here.

Any comment on the allegations that your rivals deflated their speaker docks?

You know why I’m here.

You’re so much better than the JBL Micro that is featured here sometimes. Much better sound, you work with tablets - you’re pretty much as good as speaker docks get, right?

You know why I’m here.

Come on! Give us something here! We’re doing all we can to sell you, we just need the tiniest bit of help. You don’t even have to say anything. Just, just blink twice if you agree with the statement “If you’re going to buy a speaker dock, it should be me”. Just two blinks.

You know why I’m here.

That answer raises some follow-up questions: what is the nature of “knowingness”? How can we know that we know anything? And if space and time are curved, what exactly do we mean when we refer to someone as “being” “here”?

Epistemologically speaking, I consider myself a Reliabilist, essentially in agreement with Goldman’s response to the Gettier problem that a belief can only be considered knowledge if it is formed by a process that reliably produces justifiable beliefs. Since most of you were in this room when I made my repeated statement yesterday about not wanting to get fined, and since the rest of you would almost certainly have seen the widespread reporting on those comments, my belief that you are aware of the reason for my appearance would seem justified. But as for your other question - “am” I “here”? - I find the Sartrean conception of facticity useful in that it-

ding ding

There’s your five minutes. Thank you. I appreciate it.