JBL OnBeat Micro Speaker Dock
- It’s stupid
- They’re far too bulky to carry in your pocket
- You’re just supposed to plug your phone in and leave it there like some kind of idiot
- Just charge your phone where you are - your computer, your car, your bed
- It’s really stupid
Fuck Speaker Docks.
We’re sick of your bullshit, speaker docks. “Doiee, lemme stick my phone on you because I’ll never need to send a text or check my email or do anything else with my phone while I listen to music and maybe I’ll forget I put my phone there and walk out of the house without it because speakers you guyez DUHHUHUH.”
You should not be. You’re methylcyclohexanemethanol industrial waste leaching into the drinking water of civilization. You are dribble from the Satanic anus of consumerism. You are what idiocy vomits up when it’s had too much greed to drink. And you’re not even good at playing music! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SCROLL THROUGH MY SONGS AT THIS ANGLE, MUCH LESS ASSEMBLE A PLAYLIST? IT’S TORTURE!
“Oh no,” these say, “I don’t understand Bluetooth! It’s complicated!” Listen — you own a device that contains all human knowledge ever on it. If you can’t figure out Bluetooth, get a fucking flip phone.
You know who agrees with us? JBL, because this Lightning-compatible OnBeat is essentially the last noxious bubble that will ever gurgle up from their speaker-dock cesspool without a wireless connection. Even they were able to see what the rest of us figured out years ago: speaker docks are inferior to literally every single other option for either charging your phone or playing music.
So fuck off and die, speaker docks. We like it when our mobile devices are actually mobile.