Regretfully Yours

The I.R.K.: An FAQ

What does I.R.K. stand for?

It stands for Instant Regret Kit.

And what will be in it?

We can’t tell you that.

But it’ll be worth at least $30, right?

We can’t tell you that either. It might be. I might not be. It might technically be worth way more, and yet also way less. As in: the items in it might have a monetary value of way more than $30, and yet, you might not want a single thing included.

Why does this sound like such a bad purchase?

Because it is. We make no claims otherwise. It’s called an Instant Regret kit, for crying out loud.

So, what’s the weird gimmick you all are trying with this one?

We don’t follow.

How much does it REALLY cost?

$30.

Sure, but let’s say I go spend some money on SideDeal. That will knock down the price, right?

Nope. It’ll remain $30.

*But what about all that cash I gave the man who drove the SideDeal van through my neighborhood the other day? SideDeal Danny. He offered to sell me some ‘special ibuprofen,’ and I asked if it would reduce the price tag for my next I.R.K., and he said, ‘Sweetie, this will do whatever you want it to do.’ Do I really not get a discount?

No.

Well, that’s just great! Ugh! And making matters worse, the ‘special ibuprofen’ doesn’t even do what it’s supposed to. I had a sore knee the other day, took one, and everything went dark. When I came to, my knee was still sore, but I was benching 290 in a warehouse while a bunch of meatheads I’d never met cheered me on. And my mouth tasted strangely of cinnamon. I’d like a refund, honestly. Could you put me in touch with SideDeal Danny, please?

So, there is no SideDeal van, and we don’t employ anyone named SideDeal Danny.

…

You took another one of the special ibuprofen, didn’t you?

…

Alright, talk to you in a few days.

We hope this helps you make an informed purchasing decision.