Buy Now, Buy More Later

Just to be clear, $39.99 is too much for this IRK.

Aside from a wildly specific dystopian future where the economy collapses right after you spend forty bucks on this but is then quickly rebuilt in a way that abandons traditional currency in favor of questionable consumer products and decommissioned personal tracking devices, it’s really hard to imagine this transaction working out in your favor, financially speaking.

But you know us better than that by now.

Obviously, we’re going to structure this offer in a way that lets you pay way less (by virtue of spending way more on other stuff), and of course we’ll make it all just convoluted enough that you’ll find a way to argue about the specifics in the comments. That’s business, baby.

So here’s the situation. You can expect several waves of vaguely related items, doled out lovingly throughout the weekend over on SideDeal. It’s going to look like this, so budget accordingly for the long haul:

It’s Basically Sold Out, But Go Ahead.
You don’t need it, but you also don’t want to miss it.

If you did anything more than skim this sentence, you’re probably too late. But low stock ain’t no stock, so give it a go.

You’re Not Hungry, You’re Just Bored.
Food for you and your furry friend(s).

Mail-order food is a heck of an impulse buy. We can’t wait for these to arrive so you can wonder what you were thinking.

Stuff you should buy before it’s 95°
Sun’s Out, Wallet’s Crying.

You’re always being told to beat the heat but maybe this time around we all just lean into it, you know? Hot Deal Summer, as the kids say.

Cook Like No One’s Watching (They’re Not)
Impress No One, Including Yourself.

You’re not a bad cook. You’ve just lacked the right tools. Until now. (You might be a bad cook.)

Gadgets You’ll Pretend Improve Your Life.
Makes Your Life Easier. Allegedly.

This is as close as you’re going to get to that feeling of ordering something weird off the TV in the middle of the night.

This Stuff Had Nowhere Else to Go.
Objects Without Context or Moral Alignment.

Just imagine if your junk drawer had a junk drawer.

———

See…we’re having fun already. Sure seems like it’d be easy enough to blow some cash over a few days, no?

Nonetheless, we’re well aware that a meaningful chunk of our customer population has a tendency to be blinded by the IRK, so without further ado, let’s talk about how this one works.

Every dollar you spend in the SideDeal-O-Rama (or anywhere on SideDeal), excluding tax or shipping, gets you a $0.50 refund on your IRK purchase, up to $30.00 off. This means that your IRK will cost at most $39.99 (booooo) but as little as $9.99 (yaaaay). So…

Spend $10, get $5 back

Spend $60, get $30 back

Spend $100, still get $30 back

Spend $12,500, also $30 back

Total IRK price after max refund: $9.99

But we’ll probably shout you out in the forums or something if you spend $12,500.

Not bad either way, right?

This is a long one, so be sure to look at that helpful roadmap of deals outlined above, get plenty of rest, and remember to hydrate. You’re going to regret this so hard.

The Fine Print

Things We Feel Obligated to Say:

• Only one IRK per account. (This is as much for your protection as ours.)
• No coupons for this IRK.
• Refunds will include tax on the refunded portion.
• Shipping may take a while. Maybe long enough for that economic collapse we discussed up there at the beginning.
• You might get broken things.
• You might get dirty things.
• You might get one thing. (Does that mean that the one thing will be really great? It does not.)
• You will very probably perhaps get an IRK bag, but these are strange times so who knows.
• It’s called an Instant Regret Kit. That’s not tongue-in-cheek. Whatever your expectations are right now, please lower them by at least a third.

Probably Unnecessary Further Examples:

• Buy the IRK, spend $8 on SideDeal during SideDeal-O-Rama, get a $4 refund.
• Buy the IRK, spend $12.52 on SideDeal during SideDeal-O-Rama, get a $6.26 refund.
• Buy the IRK, spend $60 on SideDeal during SideDeal-O-Rama, get the $30 (maximum) refund.
• Buy the IRK, spend $900 on SideDeal during SideDeal-O-Rama, still just a $30 refund.
• Forget to use the same account for IRK and SideDeal-O-Rama purchases? No refund, also why are you maintaining alt accounts for a daily deal site??