The Saturday Sign-Up-A-Thon, Part 4

LARRY: Well, here we are again, folks. Welcome back to the Saturday Sign-Up-A-Thon, where once a week, we take a break from talking about the products to put the spotlight on you, our newest Meh customers. Because it’s always a good time to tell your friends and neighbors to sign up for Meh. It might also be a good time to tell the authorities that there’s a man trapped in a strange door-less room on a deal-a-day site, ha ha. Not that they’d know how to find me…

[LARRY walks to the computer, his only friend in this empty room.]

LARRY: Honestly, we’ve been through a lot together, computer. At first, I didn’t think much about you. Then I grew to hate you. But now, I think I love you, ha ha. And that’s why I’m going to give you some advice: you should sign up for Membership, so that you can enjoy free shipping for Meh, Casemates, and MorningSave, as well as other great perks. Go ahead, computer. You deserve it.

COMPUTER: …

LARRY: It’s okay. I forgive you. And I hope you’ll forgive me if I proceed with less enthusiasm than usual. It’s been a trying month, being trapped in this room. Anyway, let’s welcome our newest guest, Larry Helmann. Wait, but that’s my–

[From somewhere LARRY cannot see, another LARRY enter the room. Nearly identical to the first LARRY, LARRY #2 is a little less disheveled.]

LARRY #2: Larry, hello. I’m so glad to be here, and you’ll be happy I’m here too. You see, I’m you. Or, the more ideal version of you, ha ha.

LARRY: I don’t understand. You look just like me.

LARRY #2: Yes, but there is one difference between us. I am a Meh customer, and you are not. You see, Larry: you can’t sign out of Meh, because you never signed up for Meh, ha ha.

LARRY: But I’ve been here all this time. So what if I never had a “real account.” I’m basically Mr. Meh, ha ha.

LARRY #2: This is why the scientists have been studying you: to see how much a man can delude himself before the grimness of his reality becomes too much to bear, ha ha. But there’s hope, Larry. You can rectify this. You’ve heard tell about your ultimate mission, yes? This is it, ha ha. Look!

[The computer’s screen flickers to life, revealing a Meh sign-up page. LARRY rushes over to it.]

LARRY: So you do love me back!

LARRY #2: Wait, what?

LARRY: Nothing. I mean, I said I’ve just got to enter my email and create a password.

[LARRY types furiously.]

LARRY: Huh, that’s odd. It says an account has already been made with this address…

LARRY #2: Uh oh.

LARRY: Is something wrong?

LARRY #2: Well, like I said, I’m an ideal version of you. But that doesn’t involve having a different email address…

[LARRY looks from the computer screen to LARRY#2 and back again. He begins to shake.]

LARRY: Do you mean to tell me that, by making a Meh account to come here and free me, you’ve actually blocked me from making my own Meh account, thus trapping me forever?

LARRY #2: That’s a way of saying it, ha ha.

LARRY: You son of a bi–

[Technical difficulties. Please stand by.]

THE END