Does anybody actually like Valentine's Day?

Outside the chocolate, flower, and little-stuffed-bear industries, we mean? Maybe you’re a happy, carefree, sunshiny soul who adores the holiday right down to the last chalky little candy heart. Goody for you, gumdrops. But spare a thought for all the constituencies for whom February 14 sucks harder than the vacuum cleaners we’re incessantly peddling:

Single people: It’s not just another holiday they’re left out of, like atheists on Christmas or tree-haters on Arbor Day. It’s not merely a commemoration with some ideological baggage they object to, like anti-imperialists on Columbus Day or racists on Martin Luther King Day. For the lonely, Valentine’s Day is a very specific reminder that they personally are, evidently, less lovable than other people. It’s a heart-shaped Mylar balloon that says ALONE AGAIN.

Couples: Ooh, an obligatory date night fraught with arbitrary but highly sensitive significance? An expensive walk through an emotional minefield? Sounds like a blast! Let’s go wait 90 minutes for a restaurant table! Which brings us to…

Restaurant staff: Yeah, it’s a lucrative night. But waiters, bussers, and hosts earn every penny catering to wave after wave of bride-and-groomzillas for whom every stale breadstick is a dagger to the heart. Working in a restaurant on Valentine’s Day can drive even the sappiest romantic to a life of celibacy.

Kids: Some schools have a policy that every kid in the class must give every other kid a valentine, which means a very boring homework assignment inscribing cards to 20-30 other kids, no matter how indifferent you are to each others’ existence. Some schools have no such policy, which means what valentines are exchanged in class are just another way for the popular kids to keep score. Scraps of paperboard decorated with Pokemon or Frozen become the loci for rivalry and contention. Either way, it’s a high price to pay for the chance to eat a lousy little foil-wrapped chocolate heart at your desk.

The red/green colorblind: As soon as these poor unfortunates get over this scarlet-splashed reminder of their limitation, we hit them with St. Patrick’s Day a month later. Where’s the love in that?

St. Valentine: According to Catholic martyrology, Valentine was a Roman priest imprisoned, tortured, beaten and beheaded on orders of Emperor Claudius Gothicus, on February 14, 273. Keep that in mind when you’re grumbling about how hard it is to find a restaurant reservation.

What do Meh’s in-house love doctors prescribe for this severe case of romantic dysfunction? A lucky bag of vaguely seasonal stuff and nonsense. It’s mostly our usual take on the Japanese tradition of the fukubukuro - i.e., a bunch of returned products and crap that’s been kicking around the warehouse - but wrapped up in a thick, gooey layer of Valentine’s Day pink. We can’t/won’t give you any hints about what’s inside. It probably won’t be very good at all. But it can’t be worse than those chalky little candy hearts.