Eternal Home Neck and Shoulder Shiatsu Massager with 38 Modes

  • 38 modes and 15 levels of power means 570,363 unique ways to experience this thing
  • Sorry, 53 different ways to experience this thing
  • Wait, no, hit the plus button; it’s actually 570 different ways to experience this thing
  • Anyway, it’s a good little massager!
  • Model: PG93923, because the company recommends parental guidance for children under the age of 93,923 (it’s common rating in vampire cinema)
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It Doesn't Do Heat

True story: I bought this massager for my father-in-law for Christmas last year. He immediately put it over his shoulders and started playing around with it, adjusting among the 15 levels of strength, toggling between the 38 modes. He loved it!

Then my nephew was curious about it, and my mother-in-law, and my aunt-in-law, and so the massager made the rounds.

“Oh, it’s got the heat on,” my father-in-law said when it finally got back to him.

“I didn’t know it had a heat option,” I said.

“Well, I can feel it,” he said. “It’s nice!”

And then we had to turn it off for a bit because what he was actually experiencing was the motor overheating. Once it had a chance to cool down, though, it worked fine again, and it’s still chugging along to this day. But just a word to the wise: if something says, “only use this for 15 minutes at a time,” it might be a good idea to actually heed that advice.

And anyway, fifteen minutes is the perfect length for a massage. Especially right now.

Let me explain.

Recently, when we sold another massage device, I talked about the difference between feeling a little achey and experiencing intense aches. What’s great about this one is that it has you covered in either case. You can easily and comfortably drape it over your shoulders (or wherever) if you just need a little relief from some soreness. And you can also crank the power if you’re dealing with some serious tightness or a killer knot in your neck.

But if you’ve been working from home, it can also serve another function: a line of demarcation in the afternoon. You’ve probably experienced some difficulty with this, right? Five rolls around, the workday comes to an end, and you feel… nothing. You’re already home. You’re already in your sweats. Hell, the television is likely already on in the background, and you might’ve already started prepping dinner between Zoom calls.

That kind of hazy boundary between when you’re on and when you’re off the clock can’t be good for the psyche. So you need something definitive to help you compartmentalize the different parts of the day. Something relaxing and easy but also significant. Something that doesn’t take too long, but also isn’t over in the blink of an eye.

Something like, oh, I don’t know, a 15 minute massage?

So yeah, it’s good for dealing with literal aches and sore muscles, but it’s also great for handling the mental discomfort of when all the hours in the day start to run together.

And again: if it gets hot, that’s not a function. That means turn it off. I know from experience.

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