This price! It's... UNCANNY!

With Marvel making the third-tier likes of Guardians of the Galaxy and Jessica Jones into unlikely screen icons, they were running out of characters to cram into every possible channel in the mass media. When their gold-plated scraper finally hit the bottom of the mythos barrel, who did they pry away? Our super-powered duo of device-charging, oblivion-fighting crusaders! Here they come, taking their place in the slate of upcoming entries in the Marvel Overextended Universe:

Longhaul & Daytrip: The 8800 MAh Longhaul battery is travelling the country in his big rig keeping tablets alive when he picks up a most unusual hitchhiker: the 1850 mAh Daytrip, a little battery with a big talent for saving the lives of smartphones. Along the way, they discover that the most powerful super power of all… is love. Coming in February to Cinemax, if Cinemax still exists.

Man-Ant & Aphid: When a misunderstood rascal of an ant is cast out of his colony and nibbles on some nuclear chemicals or something, he grows to the size of a man! Is his exoskeleton too thick for him to even move? Will his trachea be able to take in enough oxygen to support his proportionally much larger body? Will he teach Aphid, his sidekick, the ways of superheroing - or will he eat him? You’ll have to tune in to find out for sure! Season one now on Vine (1.5 episodes).

Deathkill & Li’l Justifiable Homicide: This deadly duo is dying to kill criminals… to death! And when they kill, the bad guys stay dead… killed dead! Coming in June to PBS Kids.

Captain Saskatchewan & Powermoose: By day, Gordon Fordgate is a mild-mannered provincial dairy inspector - by night, he defends the land of the Prairie Lily as the relatively mighty Captain Saskatchewan, atop his mighty steed Powermoose! Don’t miss a single thrilling minute as he triumphs over milk adulterers and lackadaisical creamery supervisors from Moose Jaw to Carrot River! Airing on alternate Sundays in March on CXKW 8.1, Saskatoon Local Access.

The Rest of the Mutants: Obviously, most genetic mutations in the Marvel (or any other) Universe would not result in super-cool, fun, kick-ass powers, but in debilitating physical defects and tragically shortened life spans. Now the stories of the other 98% of mutants can be told! It’s super depressing! A series of Lifetime original movies.

Jennifer Wilson: Don’t be fooled by her regular name, or lack of a sidekick. She’s some kind of superhero or something! Exclusively on Hulu Minus.

Shang-Tut the Kung-Fu Mummy & Werewolf on Wheels: BECAUSE YOU DEMANDED IT! The very last Marvel Universe characters to be brought to the screen make their senses-shattering TV debut! Everyone who thrilled to their one-panel appearance in Ghost Rider #31 (1979) will finally learn their epic story! Where did they come from? What do they want? How does a mummy do kung-fu with all those bandages on? Does a werewolf have to get motorcycle insurance? No, seriously, any ideas? We can’t get any real screenwriters to return our calls. Coming to Netflix in, like, six weeks, so we really need to get on this.