Looks like we're drug dealers now.

Sorry, Mom. We didn’t choose the pusher life. It chose us. We thought we could just dabble a little. Have a little forbidden fun. Ride the HEPA dragon. Just one dance with the Claritin demon and then walk away.

But our customers got hooked on these Claritin True HEPA Air Purifiers way deeper than we thought they would. People couldn’t get enough. Like Chris Rock says, “Drug dealers don’t really sell drugs. They offer drugs.” We saw how true that was. Even though these air purifiers don’t contain any actual drugs.

The money made us lose our minds. We stopped caring how many addicts we created. We stopped caring about all the easier breathing and cleaner rooms we left in our wake. All that mattered was getting our hands on more Claritin True HEPA Air Purifiers and pushing our drugs. Not that these air purifiers contain any actual drugs. They don’t.

Now here we are. Slinging purifiers to any lost soul with a few bucks in hand. And when our unpredictable supply dries up, when we hear the plaintive cries of addicts jonesing for more, like “I"m heartbroken at having missed this” by @BinkyMelnik or “Noooooo” by @Asher, will we feel guilty for having caused these savage withdrawal pains? No. All we think about is how much money we can make by satisfying their craving for drugs. Which these air purifiers do not actually contain.