For "larger rooms"? Larger than what?

It’s like they always say about drugs: once you’re hooked, you need bigger and bigger hits for that same high. Now that we’ve gotten you strung out on Claritin air purifiers, it’s time to up your dosage to this larger-room model (which, like the previous ones we’ve sold, does not contain any actual drugs).

What does “larger room” really mean, though? Isn’t that a vague and subjective way to- oh, wait, it says here this Claritin Bionaire purifier is ideal for rooms up to 208 square feet. OK, that answers that. See you guys tomorrow.

Hang on, hang on. “Larger room” is still bothering us. 208 square feet could mean a 16 x 13 bedroom or living room, that makes sense. But what if you live in one of those cutesy mini-houses your Facebook friends are always bombarding you with Buzzfeed links about? If you live with your besties in Twinkly Sparkleville Hold-Hands Gulch, this Claritin dust-sucker could purify the air in half your house. Or even more if you live in the Austro-Huggarian Cutiepie Merrywagon.

Or let’s say you’re the proprietor of a Japanese capsule hotel. This could probably clean the air on an entire floor! Then again, your guests probably buy cans of pure air from the same vending machine that dispenses their dehydrated prawns and pre-owned women’s underpanties.

Then there’s the other direction. You and I might call 16 x 13 a “larger room”. But Bill Gates probably calls it his bathroom. Snoop Dogg calls it his stash box. Gwyneth Paltrow calls it the room where she keeps her worn-out yoga mats until they can be processed into high-fiber smoothies. They might buy this Claritin “larger room” purifier and realize it can’t come close to purifying any of the larger rooms in their houses. WON’T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE MULTIMILLIONAIRES?

Anyway, wouldn’t cubic feet be the more relevant measurement? What if you put this at the bottom of a mine shaft that was 16 feet wide, 13 feet long, and four miles deep? That’s certainly a “larger room”, covering exactly 208 square feet. Would it really hum along clearing the air of all that coal dust?

Why don’t we say this Claritin air purifier is for “rooms measuring roughly 200 square feet with standard indoor ceiling heights, larger than a typical bathroom or kitchen, but smaller than a formal dining room or great hall.” Or, to make it simpler, “standard rooms around 200 square feet.” Actually, let’s just simplify that one more step: “larger room.” There! “This Claritin air purifier is for larger rooms.” Was that so hard?