Meh vs. anti-Meh.

If “As Seen On TV” is dying, our only question is, can we kill it faster? The moral pinworms who run these shoddy operations crank out gimmicky sweatshop junk as cheaply as possible, instead blowing their budget on polluting the airwaves with relentlessly moronic infomercials full of bullshit promises to solve nonexistent problems. So when you just want to watch something on TV at two in the morning, all that’s on is intelligence-insulting sales pitches for “miracle socks” and a hose you can carry in your pocket for some fucking reason.

But wait! There’s more! They sell all this dreck at ludicrous margins to befuddled idiots with poor decision-making skills, PLUS totally bogus shipping and handling (and our favorite, “processing”) charges that are, trust us, way beyond what any retailer is actually paying for shipping. Beware especially the “free” “bonus” add-ons that cost as much to ship (and handle and process etc.) as the entire rest of your order.

And then they have the gall to slap that red As Seen On TV logo on stuff as if that’s a selling point and not another way of saying “Hold on to your wallet”. Who are these people for whom walking past an endcap of ShakeWeights at the drugstore triggers a Pavlovian lunge for their credit card? We like to believe they don’t exist, but somebody’s keeping this racket in business. There’s got to be a better way!

That’s what Meh is, we hope. Every single thing about As Seen On TV is the exact opposite of how we aspire to do business. They offer impulse buying for morons; we offer impulse buying for smart people. Like you. Really. We’ve always thought your intelligence was the sexiest thing about you.

Because you understand what the array of consumerrhoid dreck on this page is really worth. So that’s how much we’re charging for it. You get two DuraWallets (one black, one brown), a Tyvek billfold that defies the laws of physics to both be slimmer and hold more than any other wallet. We’ve got Perfect Pancake, the “spatula-free” way to make pancakes for people who can’t figure out the intricacies of a spatula, which might not be such a bad - oh, shit, they almost got us.

And that’s not all. Order now and you’ll also receive the Rocky Mountain Knife. This one’s a masterpiece of infomercial hype, with a shamelessly paranoid video making the case that a cruddy knockoff knife is all that stands between you and death by buffalo stampede. We’re not going to link to it because anything that dishonest meets our definition of “malware”. And you won’t really learn anything anyway. Materials, construction, country of origin: none of the specs that legitimate knife makers publish are on the Rocky Mountain Knife website. Probably because they’re too good.

If you’ve ever been curious about any of this crap, if you need cheap gifts for gullible simpletons, if you need to test your new trash compactor, all this can be yours at a price that won’t fund anyone’s cocaine habit. Operators are standing by.