‘Lawyer’s Note: I’m the Worst’

This product should only be fed to seated, supervised children. It says so right on the box. This is great because it means that these snack bars are completely appropriatenay, idealfor your child to eat while seated at a casino table. After all, and we cant overstate this, these make your kid appreciably smarter and thus better at a variety of table games including most popular forms of poker (excluding Omaha variants, theyre toddlers for goodness sake!), not to mention mid-to-low limit blackjack and some of your more degenerate forms of baccarat. (Lawyers Note: dont say that these make kids appreciably smarter.)Besides, we all know that Google rolled out YouTube Kids specifically to make kids dumber in the hopes of creating a generation who actually falls for their sponsored search result links. (Lawyers Note: lets not reference the ill intent of a company that hires lawyers by the phalanx, okay?) And if Google (Lawyers Note: staaaaahhhp) and the other tech companies are going to make kids dumber, we need to be doing something to make kids smarter. What do you think of that, Mark Zuckerberg, you pasty-faced lizard monster data harvesting jiujitsu fraud with hair transplants and an eleventh toe? (Lawyers Note: why??).So watch out, Big Tech. Because these bars have 16 brain-supporting, veggie-based nutrients. (Lawyers Note: You got that right from the package. Why do you listen to their lawyers but not your lawyers?)Its probably because their lawyers arent a bunch of stuffy-shirted nerds who suck the fun out of everything and definitely cheated at the company picnic sack race. (Editors Note: Do we have to have another talk about arguing in the ad copy?) (Lawyers Note: yes please) (Copywriters Note: yES pLEAssSee)By the way, if you think we should be embarrassed by this public exchange, we just want to point out that we made these available 90 at a time and if yall would just buy them already we wouldnt still be having this conversation.