Fill Bags, Save Space

In your younger years, it’s all, “OMG, what are you doing? Mattress frame right on the floor? No way, you gotta elevate that shit in order to be considered an adult!”

And so you stupidly follow this advice, completely ignoring the obvious truth: that bed frames are just an invention of the dust industry to open up new real estate where they can plant a dust field without your permission.

And yes, that is the right phrase: ‘the dust industry.’ Seriously, you’ve never heard of Big Dust? the global shadow conglomerate run by leaders of the vacuum industry, the soil industry, and the cat industry? Well, friend, you better read up on it if you want to stand a chance. Because once they figure out how to monetize dust, we’re all absolutely fucked.

But look, there’s something you can do to thwart Big Dust without putting your mattress back down on the ground.

Well, actually there are two things. First, you could clean under your bed. But c’mon. You’re not going to do that, at least, not every time. Maybe the fifth cleaning session, the sixth cleaning session, you might half-heartedly swing a broom under there. But most of the time you’re not doing anything, thus allowing the dust to fester.

Unless, of course, you do the second thing, which is to fill the space with something other than dust.

That’s what these bags are for. Here’s how they work:

1. You take the accumulated detritus of your life that you’re as-of-now unwilling to throw away, claiming to yourself that you might need it at some point later.

2. You shove that stuff into these.

3. You put them under your bed, thus converting an unexplored territory of your home into useful space.

4. You don’t take them out until it’s time to move, at which point, you tell yourself you’ll go through them and decide what to keep and what to get rid of, before eventually just tossing them into the moving van, because, hell, they’re basically already packed, aren’t they?

Or, you know, you could store stuff you actually use in them and take them out every now and then, we guess.

Point is: they are bags that fit under your bed. And they could be useful. So buy some.